Progress

Last night’s class was great! Whereas in the past I’ve been terrified to show imperfection and extremely critical of myself, last night I was eager to receive feedback. I was uncomfortable about the class watching last week’s video of me acting as therapist in my small group, but the instructor pointed out something I’d facilitated without being aware of it. This element had been very effective in supporting the goals for the group: free expression and interaction among members.

Then we broke up into groups for hands-on experience, with the task of dealing with “problem group members.” The instructor recommended lyric analysis; for once(!) I immediately knew which song I wanted to use. Another group member was a bit better prepared and group consensus seemed to be for her to go first, so she did. I’m kind of wishing I’d gone first because the instructor came in while she was leading and gave a lot of useful feedback. The whole thing got video recorded, which meant (unbeknownst to us) that there was not enough memory left on the device to record a second mini-session. (Spoiler: So there’s no video of me leading.)

I left plenty of room for one of the other group members to go next, but there was an awkward silence as we all looked at each other. So, I volunteered. Perhaps I could have been a bit more direct about my desire to take a turn leading, but that’s working against an entire childhood, much of my adolescence, and even some of my (young) adulthood spent learning to step back and “give the other kids a chance.” (Including teachers refusing to call on me unless I tricked them into thinking I wasn’t paying attention.) I may have taken it to a bit of an unhealthy extreme, but I’m working to correct that…

I felt so good to go because I wanted to go, not because I had to. I felt ready. I presented the song in the way I felt comfortable with and that left me free to focus on connecting with the group members as we sang. I facilitated a verbal discussion that helped one of the group members come to her own conclusions that were supportive of her therapeutic goals, despite initial rejection of the primary imagery in the song. I tried several strategies to engage a silent group member without losing the ones who were participating. Even though she was quite successful in remaining disengaged, I felt good about the creativity I’d employed and eager to keep working. She later told me that it had been very difficult for her to resist engaging with the group, and that the only way she’d managed was by diligently avoiding eye contact with everyone.

Best of all, I felt accepted by and connected with my small group-mates, and comfortable in the class as a whole. I feel like I’m back on track and more alive than ever!

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I enjoyed nearly 2 hours of being poked, prodded, and x-rayed by a very friendly and thorough dental student… whose diagnosis is what we already knew: Root Canal Molar needs a root canal – apparently it’s dead but worth keeping around because I can use it to chew – and we don’t know what’s wrong with Endangered Molar. It could also need a root canal – that’s what he suspects – and/or I might need to see a periodontist. I think it’s a bit telling that I feel more confident about his assessment of the situation than my primary dentist’s – mostly because he listened to me and took my concerns and feedback seriously (and had the agreement of his professor). He was even willing to use unconventional means to get the best picture of my molars possible – resulting in the clearest x-ray of that area I’ve ever seen! I especially appreciate that he’s addressing the problems of both teeth.

The x-ray of Endangered Molar looks even more ominous than the one taken 6 weeks ago. There’s a giant dark area that shouldn’t be there. It suggests to me that there is something very seriously wrong with the tooth and its roots, but my responses during the examination suggest that it – unlike Root Canal Molar – is still vital. Quite the enigma. The dental professor said it may be something as simple as a piece of food that got stuck up there and needs to be cleaned out by a periodontist. (Good luck getting a referral…)

Despite my readiness to pull the teeth and get the whole thing over with, I’m going with the dental student’s decision to treat and attempt to save the teeth. He gave a much better argument than “I don’t want to feel guilty.” The last x-ray clearly shows that both affected molars meet the ones below them and are therefore functional for chewing – definitely worth saving. I’m convinced that I’ll be better off receiving treatment for them and not “giving up so easily,” as the dental student put it. If nothing else, having those teeth will help me make a better case for treating the ones below them, should it ever become necessary. I hadn’t thought of that before…

The person in the endodontist department verified that the school was submitting a referral for both teeth to receive root canals, gave me her card, and said, “if you don’t hear from me in four weeks, call me. If you have any problems with your teeth in the meantime, call me and I’ll try to get it expedited.” I liked that she took ownership of the situation and expressed willingness to advocate for me. It was a nice personal touch.

Everyone I interacted with helped me feel like a fellow human whose well-being was important. I’m going to see about changing it so the dental school is my primary dental facility. In addition to having more competent dentists, it’s in a better location for me and has a far more pleasant atmosphere. They even included “transgender” as an option on the patient registration form!

Mom accompanied me and was patient and supportive through the whole process. She seemed more upset than I was about, well, everything. I took it to mean she was concerned about me and that felt good. I treated her to a casual dinner as thanks. It wasn’t an ideal bonding experience, but it gave us time to talk and connect with each other and I found that to be meaningful.

I never thought I’d call a day that involved going to the dentist a good day, but it kinda was. Chew on that…

An Epic Day of Being Awesome (Zentangle Days 2-4)

Today was one of those days I wish I could have every day, and it still had its bumpy moments. I was able to move through it with confidence and take care of some important things. My one concern is that I hope I haven’t burnt myself out by doing too much in one day.

I attempted to ignore my alarm for half an hour this morning, then finally reset it to (ostensibly) give myself an additional 90 minutes of sleep. I didn’t exactly sleep during that time, but my body was relatively rested and my mind got to run though some things. When it went off again I was quite grumpy, but I pulled myself out of bed and started my day with a breakfast of cold cereal and milk. I ate most of it before plopping down at the computer to pay my credit card bill (in full, on time, booyah!)

A sadness has been descending upon me every morning that I can’t quite explain. I attribute it to the family wedding ceremony & reception we’ve been planning (it’s very fresh in my mind, especially since Mom and I ordered my dress on Monday) and the fact that my father can’t be there. Now that I’ve forgiven him, I kind of wish he could come. I’m also a bit raw from the memorial service for my undergrad mentor who died last year, which was very beautiful and nostalgic and extremely inspiring but during which I kept expecting him to show up and had to remind myself… well… yeah.

Anyways, I let myself feel the sadness and cry a bit and not try too hard to rationalize it. My emotions come and go like waves on the shore; it’s much easier and safer to let them do so unimpeded. The really strong waves will break down any defenses I try to put up, so I’m better off directing my energy elsewhere.

Fast forward a bit to find me power walking across campus to meet with my academic adviser. We came up with a plan for me to get back on the horse and trot around a bit before the show jumping that is applying for internships. He seemed happy to see me again (for the first time in about a year, actually) and I was glad to see him as well.

Next I was power walking across campus to participate in a LGBTQ group I’ve been meaning to join since I found out about it in January. My mind kept repeating something Mom had said about punctuality: “If you aren’t where you intend to be at least 10 minutes early, you’re late.” I asked it if that thought was going to help me get there any sooner; obviously the answer was no so I gave the order to stop thinking it.

I got there just in time and had a rather enjoyable experience talking with absolute strangers friends I hadn’t met yet about topics ostensibly connected in some way to the gender binary. They kept thanking me for coming, so I imagine they’ll be pleased if I show up again next week. Honestly if this was the only thing I’d done today I would still say it was epic. I overcame a lot of insecurities about not only groups and social anxiety but my own identity as well; I felt accepted and comfortable (well, mostly) and contributed in a positive way to others’ experience. It was definitely a huge improvement over feeling too anxious to get dressed and go.

I had some time before my piano lesson, so I grabbed something to eat. A wasp of some description seemed inclined to investigate my iced coffee; this made me very uncomfortable. My bee/yellow jacket/wasp phobia has been becoming more severe; just this morning I had a nightmare involving them. But I remained calm, gathered my things without making any sudden movements, and walked away like a sane person.

Okay, here’s the really nifty part of the day – and where the Zentangles come in. Since Monday I’ve been following the instructions in One Zentangle A Day by Beckah Krahula. I sat down at the beginning of my piano lesson to play an exercise from Hanon: The Virtuoso Pianist in Sixty Exercises that I haven’t practiced very much and didn’t look at all week (oops). As I played it my mind was completely clear; there were just the written music in front of me, the sensations in my body (especially hands), and the sound of the music I was playing. I was completely in the zone, just like that, no real conscious effort required!

Even after I had a thought and trainwrecked, I was cool and confident talking to and playing in front of my teacher. Maybe the beginning of a piece or exercise wouldn’t be as strong as it could be, but once I got into it… Boom! Like someone had flipped a switch, everything else just melted away and there was just the music. It flowed through me. My teacher said I have an instinct for piano and she wishes I’d started playing when I was much younger. It’s another thing I got from my father – another thing I wish I could share with him now.

It was our most productive lesson to date and I think a lot of it – possibly my entire day – was made possible by the meditative practice I’ve been getting from the Zentangles. I’ve been able to calm and focus my mind so much more easily. I love the way I can direct my energy when I’m drawing (or playing music, or doing anything else creative), to have some party of myself – my will – flowing out of me and onto paper or into an instrument. It feels good and it helps me develop my confidence.

After the lesson I went to talk to someone in the graduate school about a failing grade I would love to remove from my transcript. It’s from an independent study I attempted 2 years ago and was unable to finish. I had an incomplete but by the time I was ready to try and complete it the grade had automatically converted to an F. To be honest I’m not sure why I didn’t address it sooner. The person I talked to was very nice but she doesn’t have the authority to help me, so she gave me the contact information for someone who (ostensibly) can.

Based on our conversation, I expect I’ll have to come out as having depression. It’s the best explanation I have for why it’s taken me 2 years to address this. I’m not sure if I want to bring up the anxiety as well, but I am prepared to mention the self harm and suicidal ideation. I can ask Wakana for documentation and might also contact the psychiatrists I saw to request their diagnoses and the dates when they treated me. Thinking about my difficulties (especially having to drop my graduate-level classes last year) was very painful, but… well, I hope it will be worth it.

On the way home (after spending 5 hours on campus) I realized I was utterly exhausted. Fox invited me to join him outside while he practiced using his new katana, so I agreed. He taught me a couple of moves that involve the whole body, big muscles moving together. The katana is simply an extension of one’s arm, oneself. As I became familiar with the movements and comfortable using my whole body as one unit, I could really feel the katana as an extension of myself; I could feel my energy flowing through it. That was awesome.

I sat on the stairs watching him dance with it and listening to him talk about the history and how those blades are traditionally made. I’m somewhat interested in the topic, but mostly I was interested in seeing and listening to him. His geeky interest in and nerdy knowledge about an esoteric topic, the sound of his voice, the way his body moved, the way he was enjoying himself… I haven’t seen him like that in years. It was amazing.

And I continued my daily practice by drawing my fourth Zentangle. I don’t like it quite as much as I like the others, but then I didn’t like them either while I was drawing them and now… well, let’s just say my opinion of them has improved. I do think I managed to use shading to make it look like a light is shining from the upper left corner onto 3-dimensional objects. So… it’s another 30 minutes of practice, another learning experience. It’s helping me overcome my perfectionism, too!

To end my epic day of being awesome, I have written this blog post! Without further ado, here are my most recent Zentangles:

Ziya’s 2nd Zentangle

Ziya’s 3rd Zentangle

Ziya’s 4th Zentangle

Hemming and Hawing

When I shared last night’s post with Fox, he told me that he was also feeling anxious about the wedding and showed a lot of support and understanding for what I was going through. That helped so much to relieve my own anxiety, especially since he acknowledged that “it’s a big change” – yeah, it’s huge!

Especially with it being Samhain, I’ve been thinking about doing something to mark not just the beginning of our legally-recognized (and binding) life together, but the end of my life as a legally single person. I’m just not sure exactly what to do, since to my knowledge the only equivalent in this culture is a bachelor party. My and Fox’s idea of a fun bachelor party is a game night. But I’m not really looking for it to be something fun, I’m more in the mood for something solemn. There’s a lot I need to let go of because I’ve never had it and I never will. I could also really use something to help me reconnect with my spirituality.

Today (Thursday) was a good day. Mom and I had a pleasant lunch, then Fox joined me when I went to get my dress hemmed. Once we were done with the initial pinning and I didn’t have to stand still anymore, the process actually became kind of fun. We talked and laughed. I sewed the final hem in the bottom of the dress. And possibly for the first time in my life I have long sleeves that actually fit me the way they’re supposed to!

It felt wonderful to be able to walk around in that dress without having to hold the skirt up and to have the sleeves fall to just the right length. When we got home, Mom let me try on a couple of necklaces for my “something borrowed.” We agreed that a string of pearls looked the best.

Poof! Just like that, I have precisely what I’m going to wear on the big day. It feels wonderful. Even before the dress was actually hemmed, I was finding it hard to believe how stressed out I was yesterday/Wednesday. I had to tell myself that yesterday I was “wearing anxiety goggles,” which distorted my experience of everything. Today I wasn’t wearing them, so I could no longer relate to the experience I’d had while wearing them. It’s like the experiences belong to completely different realities – if by “reality” one means the current setting of my brain.

Things are falling into place and I’m finally starting to feel at peace with this whole thing. I have hair and nail appointments scheduled for next week, then we just need to show up on time with the license!

Re-Igniting the Spark

I randomly decided to re-join SparkPeople today, and it was so worth it!

One of the first things I did was join “teams” focused on dealing with depression and anxiety, which I’m hoping might provide some additional information and social support. I also joined 7 other teams, set a plethora of goals, and proceeded to track everything I ate. And guess what – it’s telling me I need to eat more – calories and protein, to be exact.

Fox and I made an epic grocery shopping trip, during which we spent way too much money and – by conservative estimates – walked for at least an hour! Boom! That’s 1/3 of my exercise goal for the week! Booyah!

We came home with plethora of fresh fruits and veggies, yogurt, frozen veggies, and minimally-processed meat. I had a delicious apple (“Oh Spock! This is amazing! Why don’t I eat apples every day?”), and a little bit later, we cooked.

Namely, we made delicious tacos: ground beef, cheese, and bell peppers in spinach wraps. And Fox made a huge Caesar salad, which we enjoyed before the tacos. It was actually too much food – I doubt I’ll be hungry again in time to eat that last bit the tracker is saying I need. I loved every bite and felt really good eating it – in part because it was fresh and in part because I’d done half the work to make it. (When we cook, we cook as a team.)

I’d forgotten how much I love cooking. It’s so much fun, and so rewarding. 😀

Best of all, we have leftovers, so we get to enjoy our delicious cooking again!

And something about getting points for doing basic things I should do anyway (such as taking a few minutes for relaxation) makes them seem so much easier. “Yeah, sure, I can do that. It’ll only take a few minutes, and it will feel good.” That’s what I really like about SparkPeople – it’s not just about losing weight. You don’t have to make it about weight at all (though the weight-loss ads are kind of overwhelming). My goals are to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night and listen to music at least once per day and actually go tend to my garden each day and cook at least 3 times a week (and so on …).

And if it kicks my butt to exercise, all the better. If it inspires me to make healthier food choices, all the better. I’m feeling really good about this decision, really hopeful. Today felt wonderful – and it was just an ordinary day in which we ran some errands. Nothing special.

I know from experience that I’m high from starting something new. Over time – probably before long – my enthusiasm will wane. I wasn’t planning to get too involved in the community aspect of the site, but maybe I will. If I make friends, then they can encourage me to stick with it when I don’t want to be bothered, and I can do the same for them.

You’re welcome to visit my Sparkpage – and friend me, if you’re on SparkPeople. Let’s see where this rabbit hole goes!

Good News

Fox and I have been comparing costs at different venues, including one we have an appointment to visit next week. We’ve decided an a la carte wedding is a bit more of a headache than we’re up for, and that local inclusive packages aren’t really that much less expensive than the venue we fell in love with last weekend (Too Good to Be True). If we’re going to spend ridiculous amounts of money on a wedding, we might as well have it at a positively gorgeous location with really awesome amenities and a superb day-of coordinator, where we know we’ll be the only event happening that weekend. To me, that’s worth some extra cash – and it might even be worth asking nearby family and friends to come out to a “destination” wedding as well!

We’ve found a number of ways to cut over $2,000 off the budget.

* The owner of the venue offered us an exclusive, very generous room rate specifically for the weekend of our wedding. Although we’ll be leaving it to guests (including bridal party) to pay for their own rooms, we’re still saving hundreds of dollars on the rooms we’ll need for Fox & me, my mom, his parents, and his sister. (Our parents are helping to pay for the wedding, so it seems only fair to include their hotel rooms in the budget.)

* We’re telling the caterer it’s an “anniversary party,” not a “wedding.” In a way that’s true – if all goes according to plan, it’ll take place about a year after our legal marriage ceremony. We’re still waiting to hear back from them, but based on the information available online we’ll save at least $1,000 – for the exact same service and food.

* I found a beautiful dress that happens to come in white but isn’t technically a “wedding dress.” It’s a lot more practical than I’d been going for – no lace, no train, no beading. But it has long flowing sleeves, that should make up for it! The dress itself is less than $100; I’ve budgeted an additional $100 in case I need to have a professional make some minor adjustments (e.g. reducing the bust measurement). It’s a grand total of $1,000 less than I’d originally planned to spend on my dress!

To be honest I’m a bit torn about this decision. My inner little girl who wants to be a princess keeps yelling at me and stamping her feet. This was the one time I had an excuse to get and wear such a dress, and now I’m blowing it! I don’t know if it’s possible to get her to see the practical perspective (after all, she specifically wants a dress that isn’t practical), but I’m hoping maybe we can come up with some kind of compromise. Maybe we can play dress up more often – and yes, we’ll do it right – but with clothes that don’t cost $1,200 and then you can never wear them again. And this dress is quite different from what I usually wear, and I genuinely like it (at least as much as others I’ve seen with much heftier price tags). It will be special and mark me as special – which is what I think she‘s truly going for.

And it will be comfortable. I have an outfit in the same material and I love the way it feels against my skin. I’ll be able to move in the dress without catching on things. I’ll be able to use the restroom without an attendant. I won’t have to worry about the shenanigans stores pull when you buy a “wedding dress” from them (such as adding wedding accessories to the bill that you didn’t buy!). I won’t have to wait months for the dress to arrive. If there’s something wrong with it I can return it no questions asked and buy a new one. It just makes so much more sense. I’ve liberated myself from perhaps the most crushing part of the bridal industry. It feels good!

Or at least it would, if Miss Princess would stop glaring at me!

* Another thing that’s really nifty about our venue of choice is that we’ll have access to a grill and fire pit for the “rehearsal” dinner, which will really be the OMG We Haven’t Seen You In Forever Let’s Catch Up! dinner. I priced barbeque foods for about 50 people online and it came to about $250. Good luck finding a restaurant or caterer that will let you get away with that price!

[Update: Oops, I forgot to include drinks in the barbeque budget. There are other foods we might want to add, too. So it’ll be a bit more than I expected – but most likely still a lot less than a more traditional dinner!]

In other news, I’m starting to get a bit antsy. I want to be more active – physically, creatively, and so on. I keep feeling motivated to get a job, then doubting whether I’ll be able to find and keep one. It’s hard for me to follow through on my thoughts that it would be good or fun or interesting to engage in favorite hobbies. But I want to do them, and I no longer think there’s no point to doing them, and I no longer think I can’t do them. It’s more a matter of getting up the energy and convincing myself I don’t need permission to do them.

As frustrating as wedding planning number crunching has been, it’s shown me that I can feel motivated to do a task, remain focused on it, keep trying despite frustrations, and have at least some success. That’s a good feeling. And it’s forced me to question long-held assumptions (e.g. I’m going to wear a traditional wedding dress; we have to say it’s a wedding and pay wedding prices) and to be more creative in my approach to problem-solving.

My score on the Burns Depression Checklist has dropped dramatically since I wrote Planning A Head, even with some very painful experiences thrown in. I’m hopeful that this trend will continue.

Finances

I finally updated the spreadsheet in which I keep track of all transactions in my checking and savings accounts, for the first time this calendar year. Yeah, it’s been that bad.

Thank goodness, I’ve been recording the vast majority of the transactions (and all but two of the important ones) in my checkbook. I had added some random amount to the balance when I was supposed to be subtracting the amount of a check I’d written, so my checkbook and online statement disagreed regarding how much money I had. Updating the spreadsheet has resolved the issue, I think. There are still a couple transactions that haven’t hit the online statement yet.

While I might not be happy about the steady decline in my funds, I do see updating my finances spreadsheet as a return to functional humanity. Here’s hoping I can continue to keep it updated, and that soon the numbers will begin to (at least periodically) go up!

Zen and the Art of Letting People Make Their Own Decisions

Today Fox and I cleared out the last of his stuff from his apartment. I spent most of the time bringing things either to the car or to the trash, while he sorted through and packed his belongings. Every time I was taking something not obviously garbage to the trash, I was filled with anxiety. He was getting rid of a thing that might be useful! Maybe he would regret getting rid of it. Maybe I wanted it. Should I pack it for him?

There were a couple of times when I said something, but for the most part I was able to talk myself out of it. I remembered how my mother could be about me getting rid of things: whether it was her intention or not, I tended to feel guilty about getting rid of whatever item she was commenting on. (“Oh, you’re getting rid of that?” “This is nice, if you don’t want it maybe I’ll take it.” “I remember when so-in-so gave that to you!” Etc.) It really doesn’t help the process, which I find difficult and stressful anyway. I need to be able to make a decision – and not second-guess it – if anything is going to get done.

Once I realized I was “being my mother” I was able to make the choice to stop. “He’s an adult. He can make his own decisions about what to and not to keep.” “We’ve been living without this thing for how long? You didn’t even know it existed! We really don’t need it now.” “There’s no way all this stuff would fit in the car, never mind finding space for it at home.” Whatever form the rationale took, I used it to try and ease my anxiety.

There was no need for me to make decisions about what to keep or trash, because Fox was the one moving; the one all the stuff belongs to. The decisions were his to make; part of my job was to trust him to make them. I was just helping him out by expediting the process of packing the car and tossing the trash, which had the added benefit of clearing out the space where he was working.

As I realized this, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I was already doing more than enough just by transporting stuff. I could easily do that – satisfying my need for exercise – and let go of any sense of additional responsibility. (Trusting that, if Fox needed me to do more, he would have asked.)

Small Victories

Today I:

1. Took a shower
2. Got dressed
3. Had an honest conversation with Mom
   1. During which I asserted my needs
4. Stood barefoot in the grass and let the wind rush over me and enjoyed the sun
   1. And let fresh air and sunlight into my living room
5. Emptied the sink; filled and ran the dishwasher
6. Thought about how awesome (NOT perfect, but awesome nonetheless) my relationship with Fox and his family is
7. Shared a banana with my rats
8. Balanced my checkbook
9. Decided that, of all the things I could post about today, this little bit of positivity was the most important

Taking off the Mask

I talked with my academic adviser yesterday. I told him about the depression, the dangerous ways I’d beat myself up after class, feeling like I really need to just focus on taking care of myself right now. I even told him my fear: that if I admitted to my struggle with mental illness, I’d be kicked out of my academic program.

His primary concern was, “What are you doing to take care of yourself?” He seemed relieved when I told him I was already seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. He put my fear to rest: the only way I’d get kicked out is if I did something to harm others. And he said that some of the best, brightest, and most influential people in our field have had depression.

I’ll have to wait 2 years to re-take the courses I dropped, but that gives me a good amount of time to heal. I can work on my thesis next academic year, to placate the part of me who doesn’t understand that taking care of my health needs is not spending 2 years being “entirely unproductive” – or, worse, outright wasting them. I have a topic I feel pretty passionate about, and there’s room to change or adjust one’s topic during the first semester. I think I’ll be ready – and excited – to start this work in the fall.

I was able to speak honestly about my mental illness with the person who has the most power to keep me from entering my chosen career – the “gatekeeper,” if you will. If anything, I think he appreciated my honesty. This lifts a huge burden from my shoulders; I feel like I can take off the mask I’ve been wearing for most of my life – at least, when wearing it becomes too uncomfortable. I’m not ready to let go of it entirely, nor is that necessarily wise.

But to let it down from time to time
To feel the wind on my face
To allow the tears to flow freely

To only have to expend as much energy
As it takes to get through the day
And not the extra I need
To look like I’m okay

Having permission
To let go of the flimsy barracade
And let the Darkness wash over me
All the emotions held at bay

Now
I can finally
Breathe