It’s Happening Again

I spent yesterday on an emotional roller coaster: feeling sad, feeling angry, regretting my decision to resign, feeling angry, feeling powerless, being glad I resigned because I can focus on other things, feeling frustrated, feeling sad …

And on top of that I’ve been questioning whether what I’m doing has any basis in reality. But when I talk to other folks (besides Ron) and think about the other people who also resigned because of this, I feel vindicated. It’s necessary.

It just hurts to see my state party moving on without me – especially the ways in which they’re moving on without me. And their surrogates are pushing back with seemingly innocuous posts on social media expressing the very views Ron and I are most opposed to. And I feel powerless because no one was listening to me when I had a leadership role in the party, why in the world would they listen to me after I resigned and joined in calling them out on social media? The more we fight, the more they’re gonna dig in their heels.

I’ve spent the day haunted by the memory of the last time this happened, when my friend (whom I later assigned the pseudonym “Mo”) was basically forced to resign. Here’s what I wrote about it at the time:

I’ve watched 2 people I once considered friends attack the other folks I’m friends with in my state party, watched them (try to) cause all sorts of crazy drama and make the leadership look bad, basically turning friends into enemies. I feel caught in the middle, knowing there is good in each of these people but also knowing how one of them manipulated me and they’ve both hurt people I care about. And I love my friends, but it kills me to watch them talk trash about these people who’ve honestly done stuff to deserve it, but who are also hurting. Why else would they engage in such destructive behavior?

Some of the things that are going on have me wondering, if I ever do anything to annoy one or more of these folks, will they talk to me about it? Or will they alienate me and talk  trash about me behind my back?

I’m questioning whether the fondness, camaraderie, desire to be close I feel toward these people is mutual, or even real. One friend in particular, I love him and he at least seemed to hold me in high regard, value my contributions, care about me as a person. But lately he’s been aloof,

I guess this time the roles of the “2 people I once considered friends” are played by Ron, myself, and maybe 1-3 other allies. We’re calling our former colleagues out for the drama they’ve caused, but I can see how some folks might see us as the ones causing the drama (especially the way it’s being spun). The “other folks I’m friends with” are practically the exact same people I’m having a problem with now. They talked trash about Ron and tried to manipulate me and others (with varying degrees of success) and I just couldn’t pretend to be in the middle again. So I’ve officially resigned from the state party; instead I’ll focus on local organizing. I know they’re talking trash about me behind my back; from what folks have said it’s been going on for a while now because they can’t deal with me being nonbinary. (In other words they’re transphobic.) And I’m kinda hurt by it but also like “whatever, they were never worth my time anyway” and that just breaks my heart.

And the “one friend in particular” is the person I later decided to call “Carl;” far as anyone can tell he’s at the center of this whole mess, which is essentially a giant power grab. I first caught on to it when he started taking control of the committee I chaired while a major component of his responsibilities unraveled. I feel like he’s been manipulating me for most of the year+ I’ve known him, but the first time I was really able to notice and say it was when he first started trying to get me to resign, about a month ago. He and Ron have been butting heads practically since Day 1, and Ron’s been calling him out on the problems he’s been causing, and he was the one who essentially turned everyone against Ron until ze resigned … if I remember correctly Carl was a driving force behind the demonization of Mo, too … wow …

Another thing that’s haunting me is a series of texts Mo sent me yesterday, basically saying that my actions contributed to the problem when he was going through this and helped create the situation I’m in now. He basically said our resignations won’t make a difference – not in the behavior of the current leadership and the folks they’re able to sway, at least. I’m a bit hurt that he didn’t seem interested in having a dialogue about it, but I have to agree with him. A major part of why I left is because they were showing no remorse, no self-reflection, no consideration or respect for Ron, nothing. Why would they do that now that they have nearly full control over my state Green Party? They can do whatever they want – just like high-ranking Republicans and Democrats.

Advertisements

5 Years!!!

a day with depression turned 5 years old on Tuesday!

Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com! You registered on WordPress.com 5 years ago. Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging.

I’ll admit I haven’t gone back to look through my 5 years of blogging, and I’ve been posting a lot less regularly as of late, but this blog has been a real help for me. I’m glad I have a space to share experiences that people don’t always talk about (though it’s getting better), that can be rather isolating. I’m grateful for the community I found on WordPress, particularly other mental health bloggers. I miss Blog for Mental Health, maybe we can pick that up again.

In the time since starting this blog I have …

  • had the pleasure of “parenting” 3 pairs of rats
  • learned a great deal about intersectional feminism
  • socially transitioned from the gender I was assigned at birth to nonbinary / enby
  • gotten married
  • become a zillion times more confident and assertive
  • healed a great deal
  • come to accept that mental health “recovery” is a never-ending, nonlinear process
  • made some absolutely amazing friends
  • become engaged in activism and politics
  • learned so much
  • learned that I have so much more to learn
  • figured out what meds work for me – including that I don’t need the clonazepam
  • developed kickass coping skills for anxiety and depression

There’s been a lot of drama in the Green Party as of late, throughout the US and unfortunately also in my state. It breaks my heart, really, because we have much much more important things to focus on. I’ve been feeling incredibly overwhelmed and not focusing on what I need to do to live a fulfilling life.

(Ironically – or perhaps not – the latest drama in my state party is uncannily similar to what happened to someone else back in March:

it has to do with people he loved betraying him, and feeling powerless to change what’s going on in an organization he’s supposed to be a leader of. An organization he led very well, and changed for the better, but that’s not what some of its most powerful leaders – his former and my current friends – are focusing on.

(These same people – my “friends” – are now verbally wrecking the latest person they’ve forced to leave: Ron.)

So, I’ve decided to end my involvement in my state party. I will probably continue to help organize locally, and engage in nonpartisan activism, but I need to take a step back from this stuff and pick up the life I’ve put on hold for a year and a half. I’m grateful for the actual friendships I’ve made, my relationship with Ron, the experiences I’ve had, everything I’ve learned, the skills I’ve developed, all of it.

Now it’s time to start a new chapter.

Just Lamotrigine

… yeah. I didn’t take the trazodone Wednesday night, nor Thursday, nor last night. And I’m doing better. I feel like I’ve woken up from a bad dream. And speaking of dreams, I’m back to my usual anxiety dreams – which I KNOW are dreams once I wake up. So much better.

My anxiety is kinda overwhelming tho. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to feel like this. I have a thing I need to be not only present at but act in a professional capacity. I think I can deal with it, but I’d wanted to go to a cultural event at my local library – no pressure there, just show up have fun and leave. But I was kinda freaking out about it – especially the leaving and getting to my later commitment on time part – so I guess I’m not gonna go. It’s just easier that way. There will be other opportunities … right?

*sigh*

I’m kinda doubting whether I’ll ever be able to find and maintain gainful employment.

I don’t want to stay on just lamotrigine, and either way I’ve been thinking for a while that it would be good to increase my dose slightly. I’m debating whether I should ask to go back on fluvoxamine or clonazepam. The former was a rocky start, but I got used to it and I think staying on it might’ve been good for me. The latter … I don’t think I ever had any problems with it – I don’t remember any. It helped with my anxiety. It’s not the safest med in the world but you know what, fuck it. I’d rather be functional while I’m alive than live longer.

Something tells me getting my prescriber to agree to this won’t be easy. I’m writing her a letter in hopes that will prevent me from ‘acting irrationally’ at our next appointment.

Quit Playing Games with My Brain

Disclaimer: Anytime I write about medications, I’m sharing my own thoughts and experiences. This is NOT medical advice.

I had a rough time on the fluvoxamine maleate, at least initially. September was a stressful month anyway, though. So, it’s kinda hard to determine whether the problems I faced were a response to stress, a reaction to my meds, or some combination. All I know is I started occasionally mispronouncing words that normally I’d have no problem pronouncing correctly. I had to stop most of my Green Party activity because I was getting too overwhelmed. And I was suicidal.

I visited with Banji the first weekend in October and felt much, much better by the end of it. But I’d already told my prescriber about being unhappy with the fluvoxamine, and she’d already switched me to a new medication. Almost reluctantly, I weaned myself off fluvoxamine this past weekend and started taking trazodone.

The only things I’m happy about on trazodone are that 1) I’ve stopped mispronouncing words, and more importantly 2) I had the good sense to make sure I wouldn’t be driving for 5 hours on a new med!

Since I started taking trazodone Sunday night, I’ve had weird, vivid, disturbing dreams that it’s taken me a while to realize (once awake) were dreams. I’m having a harder time falling asleep, in part because the occasional involuntary muscle movements are becoming more frequent. I feel like I’m having trouble staying asleep, but that could be because my sleep cycle is shifted later than it should be. I feel groggy and tired. I’m anxious and having trouble concentrating and following conversations. On Monday while driving I couldn’t see the sign for the place we were going until we were practically there. When people gave me directions I heard “right” and thought “left” until the last moment. When I speak I’m too aware of my mouth movements and I feel like I’m listening to someone else.

When I told Ron about this stuff, ze said, “If you feel like your brain is broken, the trazodone is doing its job. It’s a hospital med used to shut down the brain of a patient who is psychotic and make them sleep. As an outpatient, if you are not psychotic, you have no business taking those meds.”

Ze urged me to find a new prescriber. I … I can’t. Not like this. And even if I were 100% on top of everything, I’d probably have to make my first appointment at least a couple months in advance. And that’s assuming the places I called even had mental health prescribers available – most are already overwhelmed with too many clients.

IF I remember our conversation correctly, my prescriber said I could try this med for a few days and stop taking it if I didn’t like it. I’m sure I remember her telling me I don’t have to wait a whole month, and I don’t think she said I should call before stopping. But I’ve been thinking for a while that I’d rather take just the lamotrigine if that’s what it takes. Maybe all I need is another slight increase, I’m on a pretty low dose.

Being on clonazepam wasn’t perfect, and I know there can be risks – particularly addiction. I feel like my sleep was more satisfying on the fluvoxamine. But I miss the way my brain worked on clonazepam. I rarely felt anxious – that’s probably the most important thing. I might’ve felt depressed, but I was functional. I knew I could do what I needed or wanted, and when I tried I would usually succeed. Now …

Thoughts on the Las Vegas Massacre

From what I’ve seen, the dominant narrative about the perpetrator of the recent shooting in Las Vegas is that he probably had a gambling addiction, might’ve been badly in debt, kept to himself, and didn’t really settle down anywhere. Notable, IMO, is the insistence that “he didn’t have any political or religious affiliation.” And of course there’s the “lone wolf” narrative – all very typical, sweep it under the rug, nothing to see here, just another shooting in the US. Argue amongst yourselves over gun control.

Oh and we’re not saying it was mental illness, but the whole narrative kinda implies it. Just saying…

I don’t buy it. Something about this whole scenario doesn’t feel right. There’s something we’re not being told.

Assembling an arsenal, sneaking it into a casino hotel room, that just so happens to overlook a country music festival … All that takes planning. I don’t believe he “snapped” – it must’ve been premeditated. Why would someone put time, energy, and resources into planning something like this? I don’t know, but usually it has something to do with bigotry.

And I’ve never heard of someone with an actual, professionally diagnosed mental illness doing something like this. When people are in crisis they may withdraw from social groups and activities, they may act in ways people consider strange, they may hurt themselves, and/or they may (rarely) pose a threat to someone else. They don’t open fire on hundreds of people.

I’ve probably said this before but I’ll say it again, we need to figure out why white men keep perpetrating unspeakable acts of violence. And we need to do something to stop it. Yes, now, before people forget about it or get swept up in the next atrocity. There’s something going seriously wrong in the US with how people think, how they treat each other, how they respond to tragedy. Everybody’s angry – and rightfully so – but the anger isn’t being used appropriately. We’re all at each other’s throats, or bonding in our hatred of someone or something, and white men are committing murder with impunity.

We need to stop it. Now.

Good Bye Clonazepam

I took my last dose of Clonazepam today. I’d been thinking for a while that it might make more sense to stop taking it than to fill the new prescription and drag out another month of taking these half-doses, which don’t do the job but still run the risk of interactions and side effects. I called my prescriber to make sure that would be okay, and she gave the go-ahead. So starting tomorrow I’ll just be taking Lamotrigine, Fluvoxamine Maleate, and the supplements I’ve found helpful: omega 3, vitamin D, and a vitamin B complex.

So far I haven’t noticed any ill effects from the Fluvaxamine, so I guess that’s a good sign. I don’t really feel like it’s kicked in yet; I hope it does soon because I’ve been … well … I’ve spent the last 3 days inside playing Skyrim all day. Today I kept getting interrupted and feeling too overwhelmed to do anything useful, so more Skyrim. Mostly because of politics, drama, and financial issues that I don’t really feel like getting into right now … though … I dunno, other folks are venting to me, and I don’t know who I can talk to about it so … whatever.

New Prescriber, New Meds

I had my second appointment with my new prescriber last week. At our first appointment, she told me she’s not a fan of one of my medications, Clonazepam, and said she wants to start weaning me off it so I can start taking something else. She wanted to put me on a SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) “to help with both depression and anxiety.” I resisted because I’ve had bad experiences with two different ones. There were no changes to my meds last month.

But this month she reiterated the need to get me off Clonazepam and told me to start cutting the pills in half. She also said there are medications that help with hording and prescribed me one, Fluvoxamine Maleate. It’s a SSRI. I’m torn between not wanting to take it because I’m scared of how it might affect my brain and the rest of my body – and wanting to take it because I can use all the help I can get to deal with this hording.

I talked to Wakana about it and she seemed very concerned about the change in meds, especially since I only just started seeing this prescriber. I’ve been taking half doses of Clonazepam since September 1st; so far I’ve already had two days (Monday and today) when I felt ill enough that it affected my functioning, and almost kept me from following through on important plans. I’ve been feeling down, slightly queasy, less sure of myself, tired, anxious, freezing (as in fight, flight, or freeze), and sometimes twitching – in other words, like crap. I suspected on Monday that I was having withdrawal symptoms; Wakana confirmed it today. I have an important meeting tomorrow at noon, and another Friday evening; I don’t have time to malfunction because of changes to my meds.

I’d say “especially changes that are based on the prescriber’s philosophy rather than the medication’s effects on me,” but it’s a little more complicated than that. Clonazepam can be addictive, it has interactions with a lot of things, and I was questioning how much it’s been helping me. I feel like I need more support vs the depressive symptoms than I’ve been getting from Lamotrigine. (There’s no way I’m going off that, though. It keeps my brain from trying to kill me.) To this prescriber, at least, all signs seem to point to SSRIs. I don’t quite get why she’s so obsessed with them.

I’m starting a new bottle of Lamotrigine tomorrow, so I figure it’s a good time to start taking the Fluvoxamine. But I’m really not sure whether it’s the right choice – especially since Wakana pointed out that I’m already addressing the hording without this med, and we agreed that many of the problems I’m facing can only be addressed by getting Fox to take responsibility as well. What will this stuff do to me?

I don’t know, but Wakana suggested tracking my mood and I think it’s a good idea. I’m not sure exactly how I want to do it though – I’ll probably find an app – and I’m annoyed that I don’t have a way to get a baseline. I’d rather not do one retroactively, I’m already having issues because of one change in meds, and I was having issues before that due to interpersonal drama – in short, there are too many variables to determine whether whatever I’m experiencing has anything to do with a particular medication.

I’m just feeling more and more like I want to be done with everything. That’s not a good sign…