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About Me

I am a gender fluid graduate student in my 30s. Ziya Tamesis is my pen name.

Ziya is of Arabic origin and means “light.” Tamesis is of English origin and means “dark one.” I often experience my mood disorder as my “dark side” – particularly as an unhealthy exaggeration of the inner Judge, which can help one make wise choices but can also be excruciatingly harsh. It is sometimes so harsh it would be more accurately called the Critic or even the Prosecutor.

My blog, a day with depression, is an effort to “shed light” on my experiences as a person with a mood disorder – to write about them candidly – so a pen name that combines “light” and “dark one” seems especially appropriate. I chose Ziya Tamesis as my pen name to express the idea of shedding light on my dark side, because I like the way the name looks and sounds, and because it does not already belong to someone else (according to Google search).

I used to have a list of my interests and hobbies here, but I feel the need to be honest: most of that stuff got pushed either to the back burner, or off the stove entirely. For a while I spent most of my time playing video games. Then I returned to school so I could train to become a music therapist. Now I’m an activist trying to figure out how and when (and sometimes whether) to finish my degree.

Music is reemerging as a primary means of fun and expression, and I enjoy other interests (including but not limited to video games) as I’m able. When possible I enjoy the company of my husband “Fox”, life partner “Banji”, and/or other loved ones. I also address my mental health issues in individual music therapy once a week; on this blog I’ve been referring to my therapist using the pseudonym, “Wakana”.

Fox and I live together in our own private area of my mother’s house and have access to the back yard. Living with Mom can be tense, but we have been working together to try and create as healthy a household as possible. Banji lives in their own apartment, a 5-hour drive away.

Feminism and activism are very important to me. Sometimes it can be painful and frustrating because I see so much that is wrong in the world – especially ways in which my country, the United States, is behind the other industrialized countries in important areas (such as civil rights, education, and healthcare). I’ve been becoming more involved in activism since mid-2016, connecting with others and working together to address the many problems in our country and state. It’s been life changing.

I love writing – thus the blog – and believe it may be a key to making a meaningful difference in the world.

20 thoughts on “About Me

  1. Wow you certainly have a lot of interests! I particularly like the explanation of your name. I am interested in the premis of your blog – I suffered a serious depression in my teens but have always felt the shadow of it somewhere in the background. My way of dealing with it, is to live as creatively as I can and as openly as I can. I came here after seeing your comment on The Daily Post. Wish you luck 🙂

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    • Thanks so much for taking the time to visit, and for your encouraging comment! I found writing about my different interests helpful, both as a kind of “look in the mirror” to strengthen my sense of self, and as a reminder not to let myself get stuck repeating a limited set of activities (e.g. just playing video games) when there are so many other things to enjoy! I also wanted to show and remind myself that, although the depression can feel overwhelming, it is only one aspect of my life.

      Thank you also for sharing your experience with depression and how you deal with its shadow now. Can you elaborate a little bit on what that is like? How do you find living creatively and openly to be helpful?

      Thanks again for your encouragement and support. I wish you luck in your endeavors as well. 🙂

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  2. I have come to believe that if you have had a period of depression in your life (mine was as a teenager) the shadow continues to linger as a reminder. For me, I have had to learn a degree of selfishness so that when the shadow looms too close, I know I must take evasive action ie. get stuck into something I want to do, usually creative but sometimes going to the beach or walking the dog. I am also particularly mindful of people I spend time with and avoid like the plague anyone I find emotionally draining!

    I can also confirm that I no longer get overly worried when people come over and the place is a mess. My view is if they don’t like it, they can always go home (this one was a big one for me to let go of).

    The point about openness is just what is happening here, not being afraid to reach out and be honest and vulnerable with another human being. I believe that if you feel ok as the person you are (this again took a bit of work) any rejection you may experience is generally the other persons “stuff” and you have the choice not to take it on board.

    Thanks for the interesting convo 🙂

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  3. Hi, I am Ritu from the blog ‘Beyond Beauty Tips’.
    I saw that we were connected through my blog. I announced my new domain a month ago but I haven’t seen you there yet. Consider this as a personal invitation for my blog ‘Things To Rave About’ (http://toraveabout.com) which is just BBT at a new address.
    Hoping to see you there. Thanks!

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