Be Our Guest

[CW: description of thought processes that can trigger hoarding]

Fox and I spent pretty much every available second cleaning in preparation for Ron’s visit on Friday. It was quite the workout, and somewhat intense … but not quite as intense as I thought it might be. Maybe because I knew Fox was cleaning, too, and I’ve developed coping mechanisms. For example, I found a calendar with beautiful images that I might’ve been tempted to keep, but it’s obsolete (and damaged). So I looked through the images, showed one particularly beautiful one to Fox, then tossed the calendar. Minimal stress.

I’ve also decided to treat clutter like an addiction. Part of recovery (from what I’ve gathered, I’m not an expert by any means) is recognizing that while others may be able to engage in a certain behavior safely – even to their benefit – I cannot. For example, I’ve heard tips about reusing things like wrapping paper – but for me that’s a recipe for disaster. If I let myself think “I can reuse this” I will angst over every decision of what to/not to keep, hoard random items I don’t need, and drown in clutter. No. Maybe it would be ideal to reuse this wrapping paper, but I cannot keep it. Into the trash it goes. End of story.

I lost track of how many bags of garbage we filled, somewhere around 8. Maybe 12?

Continue reading

Advertisements

(Don’t) Let them in, (don’t) let them see …

So… umm… I “might be” in love with Ron. And ze’s in love with me. And we’ve been connecting on so many amazingly awesome levels … It’s magical. I feel like I can talk to zir about anything. And I want to share the universe with zir.

(I should probably take a moment to mention that I’m in a polyamorous vee with Fox and Banji, and we’re open to additional romantic partners. They both seem more comfortable with this new development than Ron and I are!)

I know I was wary about this before, but I feel like our efforts to get to know each other are having a positive effect on me – including in the direction of finally doing something about all this clutter …

Continue reading

A New Milestone in Therapy: Part 2

[CW: descriptions of ways alcoholics and people under the influence of alcohol behave that can be harmful, especially to others]

In my last post I described 3 of the people I’ve been working with, ways in which some of their behaviors are reflective of (and/or caused by) the influence of alcohol, and weird psychological dynamics I’ve been experiencing with them. Today’s session with Wakana, which just ended, expanded on that discussion.

Continue reading

A New Milestone in Therapy: Part 1

[CW: descriptions of ways alcoholics and people under the influence of alcohol behave that can be harmful, especially to others]

Okay, this is becoming antertaining – yes, fingers, ants. “Ants” pretty much sums it all up.

So, cast of characters:
Mo – the “friend” who manipulated me, then moved
Ron – the “friend” who keeps saying things that make me feel like I’m doing everything wrong
Carl – the person I know is actually my friend, even though he occasionally annoys me

I was telling my music therapist, Wakana, about the above individuals – all of whom I’ve had crushes on, by the way – in a rather interesting session on Tuesday. Continue reading

Entropy

Oh, this is bad. This is really bad.

I’m exhausted but I can’t bring myself to go to sleep. Like, I’m falling asleep, I’m having auditory hallucinations, I feel completely and utterly drained of all energy … but I … it’s not even that I don’t want to go to sleep, I do. And it’s not that I can’t go to sleep. I just … I don’t know, I’m finding whatever else I can do. The computer isn’t helping but I know how to shut it down. There’s something else going on.

And I’m like barely eating. When I eat, it’s smaller portions. I don’t know if it matters that I’ve been drinking a lot of ginger ale lately? Soda, sugar … I dunno. I do know I’m not drinking enough water.

I was outside for much of the day yesterday, walking around. It was pretty awesome. But I had two nights in a row of very little sleep. So I spent most of today exhausted, with sore muscles … not exactly the best motivation to go outside and move around, gorgeous as it was today.

I hate how cluttered this apartment is, especially my desk. I couldn’t tolerate sitting at it today. But I can’t quite bring myself to do anything about it – I kinda feel like what’s the point, it’s just gonna get cluttered again. Mom sent me “4 tips for decluttering your home;” I would’ve laughed if I’d had the energy. They’re like “put a bandaid on your broken arm” or something. (She meant well, it’s just not addressing the real issue.)

Continue reading