“Life takes you to unexpected places. Love brings you home.”

Right after I’d recommitted to finding an internship and completing my music therapy degree… a friend called and asked me to partner with him in a new business he had been laying the groundwork for for several months, and felt ready to launch. It’s a great opportunity to make a living writing about things I’m passionate about, and he seems to think it has the potential to be quite lucrative. I’ve already enjoyed writing a couple articles for it, and everyone I tell encourages me to go for it (well, except my mom, but she’s skeptical about pretty much everything). I’ll be honest, I’m a bit wary regarding the whole entrepreneurship thing myself – and I’ve made it clear I don’t have the funds to invest in this endeavor financially – but I’m also hopeful: it’s a chance to make more money than I probably would as a (beginning) music therapist, doing something I enjoy, without performing emotional labor. Well, at least it would involve considerably less emotional labor.

Around the same time this happened: my godmother was (still is) slowly recovering from complications from bariatric surgery (there’s a reason spell check wants to change that to “barbaric”); Banji’s dad was (still is) dealing with health issues brought on or exacerbated by treatment for yet another type of cancer (he’s had a few); Fox’s dad fell and had bleeding on the brain; and my mom was diagnosed with stage 1 uterine cancer. I could have maybe dealt with all the other bullshit, but my mother having cancer, after everything else, was the last straw. Since being diagnosed she’s had a hysterectomy and they’re confident they got everything and she’s recovering well enough… but we’re both still scared – or at least I am. My mother had (we’re gonna keep this past tense) my mother had cancer, WTF!!!

I just… can’t. I emailed my academic advisor, thanked him for the work he’d started trying to help me find an internship, and told him I need to put it on hold again because I’m dealing with family health issues. I feel like every time I’m starting to make progress on this, something happens to fuck with my head, I’m on an emotional roller coaster, I’m not ready to start this career that’s all about supporting people emotionally… and finally – FINALLY – I realized that maybe I’ll NEVER be ready. There’s no reason for me to believe things won’t keep happening to rock my boat, and I’ve found the best thing I can do is hang on until the storm passes… I can’t support people through shit like that on a professional level while I’m struggling with it myself. I mean I guess I could, but what would it do to me?

Maybe… and it’s still new enough that part of me doesn’t want to let go, but I think it’ll come around, eventually… maybe I don’t want to become a music therapist, or work in any “helping profession.” The idea of working in a field where I can just perform intellectual labor (maybe some physical labor, but minimal emotional labor) has never been more appealing. There have been signs, like when I flat out didn’t do an assignment for one of my graduate psychology classes because I realized it wouldn’t hurt my grade too much, and I didn’t feel like dealing with the personal/emotional shit it was bringing up. Or when I stopped working on my degree for 2 years to dabble in third-party politics. Or when people started telling me I come alive when I talk about this entrepreneurship opportunity (but not when I talk about finding a music therapy internship). When I think about it I’m like “but damn, I want to finish this degree, have the M.A. after my name that I went tens of thousands of dollars into debt for.” But, I dunno… maybe once we get this thing off the ground I’ll be able to pay off the debt in a couple years and then, well, I can probably still finish the degree, or get a different one, or just say “hey I’m successful in a career I enjoy, who needs a degree?”

(I had a dream in which I switched to music composition… and if I’m not mistaken they’re both “M.A. in Music with a concentration in __________” – so yeah, that might not be entirely unrealistic. But I don’t really feel enough motivation to focus on composition right now to make that work… Right? I mean, yeah, Banji’s moving back home and will be taking classes on the same campus and it would be awesome if we had classes at the same time: we could get dinner and study in the library together wearing matching [school name] sweatshirts and it’ll be almost kinda like being in undergrad together again instead this time we’ll both be commuters and… nah. Being a professional composer is a pipe dream. I haven’t even dabbled in it for years. Yes I know I majored in music because I fell in love with music theory, and I’d absolutely love to take another course in it… I’ve joked if someone’s complaining about having to take it I’ll offer to take it for them… but I just… It’s more debt, okay! I can’t ask that of my mom. Really… Yes I know there are scholarships I could apply for but… well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to see if it’s remotely feasible, and what the process would entail… I do miss composing, and it could help with branding for my new business…)

Omg what have I gotten myself into? The point is yeah, this is the second time it’s happened. I went into college majoring in psychology and minoring in music, then had a “mid-college crisis” in which I decided to major in music (but finish the psych major as well, I was so fucking close). Then I went into grad school for music therapy (I wanted to be a music therapist, really, it wasn’t that “trying to become a professional composer is unrealistic” – honestly!) and interestingly managed to satisfy all the requirements except the one that involves actually working full time as a music therapist. (Because of the application process, honest!) And I can’t help thinking I could just finish the degree this coming fall semester! if I didn’t have to get a fucking internship and work in the field WHAT AM I DOING? This is ridiculous.

If it’s even possible to switch to composition, I could probably satisfy the requirements in a heartbeat, and love it.

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Vulnerability is Strength

As much as I love writing potential scenes between my and another character in my friends’ Exalted (tabletop role-playing / collective storytelling) game, I feel like I’ve been getting too far ahead of what has actually happened in the game. It’s been a difficult temptation to resist, so I tried to compromise by initiating a conversation with the player of the other character – in which I intended for us to discuss how the bond between our characters might develop. I figured if I’m gonna keep getting ahead of things, it’s better to do so with the other player’s input instead of allowing myself to become overly attached to an alternative / inaccurate version of his character.

Instead we ended up having an awesome, rather long conversation that included the friend who pulled him into the game and mostly had nothing to do with Exalted. We geeked out, laughed at ridiculous YouTube videos, and were otherwise very silly together – which was just what I needed, honestly; it was so much fun! At one point the conversation took a surprisingly personal turn, considering it was like maybe my fourth time talking to this individual and the first time that wasn’t primarily focused on gaming. We touched briefly on some of the trauma / loss we’ve each experienced, were honest and supportive of each other, and agreed that it’s important to be vulnerable. I shared that that’s something I’ve struggled with for as long as I can remember: whether it was needing to suppress my grief in order to function in school, trying to “be strong” for my mom because (I thought) she couldn’t handle my emotions, or otherwise just wanting to ignore my depression and have a “normal” life, I have fairly consistently fallen into the trap of what my friends called stoicism and I’ve seen referred to online as toxic masculinity.

Vulnerability is a theme that’s gaining prominence in the scenes I’ve been writing between the two characters. My ‘healer’ character initially wants to ‘fix’ the ‘wounded’ character; they avoid touching this individual because doing so evokes overwhelming emotions that make them feel vulnerable, and that terrifies them. But even in the earliest scenes I wrote they tell their story and literally show their wounds (scars), revealing that in a way the two characters aren’t that different. In one scene they instinctively reach for the ‘wounded’ character’s hand as the latter leads them through the Underworld; the ‘wounded’ character responds by squeezing the ‘healer’ character’s hand reassuringly (and it works). In another scene my ‘healer’ character braves their fear of touch and vulnerability to hug the ‘wounded’ character, with the intention of supporting them through a particularly difficult and absolutely essential milestone. Both characters end up holding / supporting each other while crying on each other’s shoulders; in that moment the two characters are both simultaneously ‘wounded’ and ‘healer.’ It becomes a milestone in both characters’ growth, as well as the development of the relationship / bond.

In the most recent scene I’ve written, the ‘healer’ character is severely wounded in battle and ends up unconscious. The ‘wounded’ character holds them until they awake because that is the only way to keep them safe, warm, and relaxed enough to get the rest they need to heal. Upon waking, the ‘healer’ character is able not only to accept but to enjoy the touch, and is finally honest regarding their ambivalence toward intimacy / vulnerability with the ‘wounded’ character. While explaining this they begin to consciously acknowledge that they trust in the ‘wounded’ character as a result of that character’s actions, which are more important than the character’s status as a Deathknight instead of a Solar. The two are finally able to enjoy being close without the ambivalence / awkwardness that has defined their relationship up to this point. (Of course the scene is getting way, way ahead of the game and relies on my – not necessarily the other player’s – interpretation of how the ‘wounded’ character may develop.)

For so long my whole inner Committee has perceived the Wounded One as needing protection, incapable of fending for themself or really doing anything. We – especially the Healer – haven’t considered the Wounded One’s agency or strengths, to the point that they may not even be aware of them. But the Wounded One was the first out of all of us; they created many if not all of us. Maybe we need to trust them more.

5 Years!!!

a day with depression turned 5 years old on Tuesday!

Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com! You registered on WordPress.com 5 years ago. Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging.

I’ll admit I haven’t gone back to look through my 5 years of blogging, and I’ve been posting a lot less regularly as of late, but this blog has been a real help for me. I’m glad I have a space to share experiences that people don’t always talk about (though it’s getting better), that can be rather isolating. I’m grateful for the community I found on WordPress, particularly other mental health bloggers. I miss Blog for Mental Health, maybe we can pick that up again.

In the time since starting this blog I have …

  • had the pleasure of “parenting” 3 pairs of rats
  • learned a great deal about intersectional feminism
  • socially transitioned from the gender I was assigned at birth to nonbinary / enby
  • gotten married
  • become a zillion times more confident and assertive
  • healed a great deal
  • come to accept that mental health “recovery” is a never-ending, nonlinear process
  • made some absolutely amazing friends
  • become engaged in activism and politics
  • learned so much
  • learned that I have so much more to learn
  • figured out what meds work for me – including that I don’t need the clonazepam
  • developed kickass coping skills for anxiety and depression

There’s been a lot of drama in the Green Party as of late, throughout the US and unfortunately also in my state. It breaks my heart, really, because we have much much more important things to focus on. I’ve been feeling incredibly overwhelmed and not focusing on what I need to do to live a fulfilling life.

(Ironically – or perhaps not – the latest drama in my state party is uncannily similar to what happened to someone else back in March:

it has to do with people he loved betraying him, and feeling powerless to change what’s going on in an organization he’s supposed to be a leader of. An organization he led very well, and changed for the better, but that’s not what some of its most powerful leaders – his former and my current friends – are focusing on.

(These same people – my “friends” – are now verbally wrecking the latest person they’ve forced to leave: Ron.)

So, I’ve decided to end my involvement in my state party. I will probably continue to help organize locally, and engage in nonpartisan activism, but I need to take a step back from this stuff and pick up the life I’ve put on hold for a year and a half. I’m grateful for the actual friendships I’ve made, my relationship with Ron, the experiences I’ve had, everything I’ve learned, the skills I’ve developed, all of it.

Now it’s time to start a new chapter.

Just Lamotrigine

… yeah. I didn’t take the trazodone Wednesday night, nor Thursday, nor last night. And I’m doing better. I feel like I’ve woken up from a bad dream. And speaking of dreams, I’m back to my usual anxiety dreams – which I KNOW are dreams once I wake up. So much better.

My anxiety is kinda overwhelming tho. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to feel like this. I have a thing I need to be not only present at but act in a professional capacity. I think I can deal with it, but I’d wanted to go to a cultural event at my local library – no pressure there, just show up have fun and leave. But I was kinda freaking out about it – especially the leaving and getting to my later commitment on time part – so I guess I’m not gonna go. It’s just easier that way. There will be other opportunities … right?

*sigh*

I’m kinda doubting whether I’ll ever be able to find and maintain gainful employment.

I don’t want to stay on just lamotrigine, and either way I’ve been thinking for a while that it would be good to increase my dose slightly. I’m debating whether I should ask to go back on fluvoxamine or clonazepam. The former was a rocky start, but I got used to it and I think staying on it might’ve been good for me. The latter … I don’t think I ever had any problems with it – I don’t remember any. It helped with my anxiety. It’s not the safest med in the world but you know what, fuck it. I’d rather be functional while I’m alive than live longer.

Something tells me getting my prescriber to agree to this won’t be easy. I’m writing her a letter in hopes that will prevent me from ‘acting irrationally’ at our next appointment.

Quit Playing Games with My Brain

Disclaimer: Anytime I write about medications, I’m sharing my own thoughts and experiences. This is NOT medical advice.

I had a rough time on the fluvoxamine maleate, at least initially. September was a stressful month anyway, though. So, it’s kinda hard to determine whether the problems I faced were a response to stress, a reaction to my meds, or some combination. All I know is I started occasionally mispronouncing words that normally I’d have no problem pronouncing correctly. I had to stop most of my Green Party activity because I was getting too overwhelmed. And I was suicidal.

I visited with Banji the first weekend in October and felt much, much better by the end of it. But I’d already told my prescriber about being unhappy with the fluvoxamine, and she’d already switched me to a new medication. Almost reluctantly, I weaned myself off fluvoxamine this past weekend and started taking trazodone.

The only things I’m happy about on trazodone are that 1) I’ve stopped mispronouncing words, and more importantly 2) I had the good sense to make sure I wouldn’t be driving for 5 hours on a new med!

Since I started taking trazodone Sunday night, I’ve had weird, vivid, disturbing dreams that it’s taken me a while to realize (once awake) were dreams. I’m having a harder time falling asleep, in part because the occasional involuntary muscle movements are becoming more frequent. I feel like I’m having trouble staying asleep, but that could be because my sleep cycle is shifted later than it should be. I feel groggy and tired. I’m anxious and having trouble concentrating and following conversations. On Monday while driving I couldn’t see the sign for the place we were going until we were practically there. When people gave me directions I heard “right” and thought “left” until the last moment. When I speak I’m too aware of my mouth movements and I feel like I’m listening to someone else.

When I told Ron about this stuff, ze said, “If you feel like your brain is broken, the trazodone is doing its job. It’s a hospital med used to shut down the brain of a patient who is psychotic and make them sleep. As an outpatient, if you are not psychotic, you have no business taking those meds.”

Ze urged me to find a new prescriber. I … I can’t. Not like this. And even if I were 100% on top of everything, I’d probably have to make my first appointment at least a couple months in advance. And that’s assuming the places I called even had mental health prescribers available – most are already overwhelmed with too many clients.

IF I remember our conversation correctly, my prescriber said I could try this med for a few days and stop taking it if I didn’t like it. I’m sure I remember her telling me I don’t have to wait a whole month, and I don’t think she said I should call before stopping. But I’ve been thinking for a while that I’d rather take just the lamotrigine if that’s what it takes. Maybe all I need is another slight increase, I’m on a pretty low dose.

Being on clonazepam wasn’t perfect, and I know there can be risks – particularly addiction. I feel like my sleep was more satisfying on the fluvoxamine. But I miss the way my brain worked on clonazepam. I rarely felt anxious – that’s probably the most important thing. I might’ve felt depressed, but I was functional. I knew I could do what I needed or wanted, and when I tried I would usually succeed. Now …

Good Bye Clonazepam

I took my last dose of Clonazepam today. I’d been thinking for a while that it might make more sense to stop taking it than to fill the new prescription and drag out another month of taking these half-doses, which don’t do the job but still run the risk of interactions and side effects. I called my prescriber to make sure that would be okay, and she gave the go-ahead. So starting tomorrow I’ll just be taking Lamotrigine, Fluvoxamine Maleate, and the supplements I’ve found helpful: omega 3, vitamin D, and a vitamin B complex.

So far I haven’t noticed any ill effects from the Fluvaxamine, so I guess that’s a good sign. I don’t really feel like it’s kicked in yet; I hope it does soon because I’ve been … well … I’ve spent the last 3 days inside playing Skyrim all day. Today I kept getting interrupted and feeling too overwhelmed to do anything useful, so more Skyrim. Mostly because of politics, drama, and financial issues that I don’t really feel like getting into right now … though … I dunno, other folks are venting to me, and I don’t know who I can talk to about it so … whatever.

New Prescriber, New Meds

I had my second appointment with my new prescriber last week. At our first appointment, she told me she’s not a fan of one of my medications, Clonazepam, and said she wants to start weaning me off it so I can start taking something else. She wanted to put me on a SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) “to help with both depression and anxiety.” I resisted because I’ve had bad experiences with two different ones. There were no changes to my meds last month.

But this month she reiterated the need to get me off Clonazepam and told me to start cutting the pills in half. She also said there are medications that help with hording and prescribed me one, Fluvoxamine Maleate. It’s a SSRI. I’m torn between not wanting to take it because I’m scared of how it might affect my brain and the rest of my body – and wanting to take it because I can use all the help I can get to deal with this hording.

I talked to Wakana about it and she seemed very concerned about the change in meds, especially since I only just started seeing this prescriber. I’ve been taking half doses of Clonazepam since September 1st; so far I’ve already had two days (Monday and today) when I felt ill enough that it affected my functioning, and almost kept me from following through on important plans. I’ve been feeling down, slightly queasy, less sure of myself, tired, anxious, freezing (as in fight, flight, or freeze), and sometimes twitching – in other words, like crap. I suspected on Monday that I was having withdrawal symptoms; Wakana confirmed it today. I have an important meeting tomorrow at noon, and another Friday evening; I don’t have time to malfunction because of changes to my meds.

I’d say “especially changes that are based on the prescriber’s philosophy rather than the medication’s effects on me,” but it’s a little more complicated than that. Clonazepam can be addictive, it has interactions with a lot of things, and I was questioning how much it’s been helping me. I feel like I need more support vs the depressive symptoms than I’ve been getting from Lamotrigine. (There’s no way I’m going off that, though. It keeps my brain from trying to kill me.) To this prescriber, at least, all signs seem to point to SSRIs. I don’t quite get why she’s so obsessed with them.

I’m starting a new bottle of Lamotrigine tomorrow, so I figure it’s a good time to start taking the Fluvoxamine. But I’m really not sure whether it’s the right choice – especially since Wakana pointed out that I’m already addressing the hording without this med, and we agreed that many of the problems I’m facing can only be addressed by getting Fox to take responsibility as well. What will this stuff do to me?

I don’t know, but Wakana suggested tracking my mood and I think it’s a good idea. I’m not sure exactly how I want to do it though – I’ll probably find an app – and I’m annoyed that I don’t have a way to get a baseline. I’d rather not do one retroactively, I’m already having issues because of one change in meds, and I was having issues before that due to interpersonal drama – in short, there are too many variables to determine whether whatever I’m experiencing has anything to do with a particular medication.

I’m just feeling more and more like I want to be done with everything. That’s not a good sign…