(Don’t) Let them in, (don’t) let them see …

So… umm… I “might be” in love with Ron. And ze’s in love with me. And we’ve been connecting on so many amazingly awesome levels … It’s magical. I feel like I can talk to zir about anything. And I want to share the universe with zir.

(I should probably take a moment to mention that I’m in a polyamorous vee with Fox and Banji, and we’re open to additional romantic partners. They both seem more comfortable with this new development than Ron and I are!)

I know I was wary about this before, but I feel like our efforts to get to know each other are having a positive effect on me – including in the direction of finally doing something about all this clutter …

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Burn, Baby, Burn(s depression checklist)

I’ve been tracking my symptoms on the Burns Depression Checklist for another month; so far so good. (view July-August & August-September) Scores have remained in the teens on half the days, a phenomenon that was previously unheard of. My average score for the month was a 22, which is 10 points lower than last month!

A graph showing Ziya's scores on the Burns Depression Checklist from September 16, 2014 to October 16, 2014.

Ziya’s scores on the Burns Depression Checklist from September 16 to October 16, 2014.

There are several factors I believe have contributed to my improved mood. Reading The Drama of the Gifted Child inspired some profound healing in the last full week of September. The most conventionally “sane” way to word it is probably that the emotional and presenting-myself-to-the-world aspects of my psyche became more integrated, so I can acknowledge, express, and act upon my emotions more easily. This helps me to feel more alive; all the energy that went into suppressing my emotions is now available for, well, whatever I want to do. It’s wonderful and amazing and just… Wow!

I started taking the Lamictal my APN prescribed on Monday, September 29th. This is represented visually on the graph above by a vertical purple line. I’ve been taking the Lamictal consistently at about the same time every day for over two weeks. I hesitate to say it’s working just yet, but so far I’m feeling very positive about it. In addition to the Lamictal, I started taking Omega 3 and Vitamin D supplements on October 8th.

Additionally, Fox was offered a job that he’s really excited about, and not just because he finally has income! His energy levels have skyrocketed since he started working; that’s been a huge inspiration for me. I get the time to myself that I’d been craving, and when he’s home I’m thrilled to spend quality time with him. We actually have things to talk about because we’ve been having different experiences all day! There are adjustments, as always, but overall it’s been a real boon to our relationship. I wasn’t kidding when I said the sexiest thing he could do was get a job…

Finally, the dates that have a blue horizontal line under them in the graph above are days I spent with Banji. This past weekend was particularly wonderful; we got away from the stress of our respective lives and got to spend a few days talking, making art, playing music together, and enjoying the fall foliage. I went about 24 hours without using a computer or smart phone and it was amazing! I had all this time; I didn’t know what to do with myself! So I colored in my sketchpad, took a walk outside, tried to sneak around like my Skyrim character, and interacted with living breathing 3-dimensional people using spoken words, vocal inflections, and facial expressions. And laughed, oh, the laughter! I even cooked and cleaned up afterward!

By the time I got home I was a bit tired of socializing and just wanted some time to myself. I tried to play The Sims 3 – not the best or healthiest choice, I know – and ran into all sorts of crazy glitches. I got very frustrated because people kept interrupting me, especially my mother. I try so hard and I think she does too but I still find our conversations to be emotionally draining – especially when she’s hounding me about the things I still need to do for the wedding. That just makes me want to shut down and block everything out even more!

Considering the abrupt change from vacationing with Banji to feeling emotionally drained at home without her and not coping all that well, I’m optimistic to see my scores gradually climbing from 13 on Monday to 30 yesterday. It’s less disruptive than the wild oscillations I’ve experienced in the past; I expect that I can bring the score back down (representing a reduction in depressive symptoms) by practicing some of the things I enjoyed so much while on vacation: less time in front of the computer, more time engaged in creative pursuits. Another way to reduce my symptoms is to actually do the things Mom’s been hounding me about, because then she won’t feel so anxious anymore, so she’ll have less emotional garbage to heap on me. This solution has the added benefit of completing the steps necessary to successfully prepare for my wedding. Win-win!

In addition to the overall lower scores, I had a truly amazing thing happen last week. For the first time since I’ve been tracking, and otherwise for I have no idea how long, I had 8 consecutive days without suicidal thoughts or urges. It was wonderful! (My “relapse” yesterday was triggered by a very specific situation that has been dealt with and is easily avoidable; if I choose to write about it in this blog I’ll do so in another post.)

A graph showing Ziya's (standardized) scores on the subcategories of the Burns Depression Checklist from September 16 to October 16, 2014.

Ziya’s (standardized) scores on the subcategories of the Burns Depression Checklist from September 16 to October 16, 2014. There are multiple instances when the purple line drops to 0 and disappears, indicating multiple consecutive days with no suicidal urges!

Considering the presence of other, shorter periods of time with no suicidal thoughts or urges earlier in the month, I’m optimistic that this has the potential to become my new norm. And that, oh wow! It’s not just about wanting to live. It’s wanting and being able to live while also being true to oneself. It’s having multiple options; seeing the full complexity of a difficult situation instead of just the discouraging parts. It’s knowing where my toolbox is, seeing the tools when I open it, having the confidence to use them, and making creative use of duct tape.

Depression is not a Disease but an Indication that Human Consciousness needs to Change

Voces del Tierra

Robin Williams What Dreams May Come-Robin Williams  RIP

After hearing the sad news of Robin Williams and his suspected suicide, I am really tired of hearing some people refer to depression as a ‘disease’. It is not a disease, but more chemical and emotional imbalance of the brain, normally affected by long-term stress, deep trauma or grief, for some it is difficult to diagnose the root cause. Here is a good article written by Dr John Grohol on defining Depression for those of you that are insistent on calling it a ”disease”.

 Furthermore,  should it really be referred to as a ‘mental illness’ either? Through my research and personal experiences, depression is an understandable psychological reaction to the stress and violent deformities of the modern world.

I have tried a number of conventional and non-conventional methods to treat my own depression and I feel the most valuable activities are spending time in…

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Small Victories

Today I:

  1. Took a shower
  2. Got dressed
  3. Had an honest conversation with Mom
    1. During which I asserted my needs
  4. Stood barefoot in the grass and let the wind rush over me and enjoyed the sun
    1. And let fresh air and sunlight into my living room
  5. Emptied the sink; filled and ran the dishwasher
  6. Thought about how awesome (NOT perfect, but awesome nonetheless) my relationship with Fox and his family is
  7. Shared a banana with my rats
  8. Balanced my checkbook
  9. Decided that, of all the things I could post about today, this little bit of positivity was the most important

Groundhog Day

You fool!
What is with you and that game?!
You play and play for hours on end
And every day is
Identical.

You think I am old and blind,
But I know:
You watch an image of a human
Play with her image of a pet
Images are all you see!

What about ME!?
I’m here!
Flesh and blood and FUR
And so much more
I need your love!

You’ve talked about walking
Walk with me!
I love to get out
Smell the world
And know you are right beside me.

But you sit and you stare and complain.
I know that you’re hurting
Your arm, every day
With that mouse.
Get out of the house!

They do the same thing every day,
And we repeat the same harmony.
I bark. You groan
And thrash like the dead
And shamble around reluctantly.

Blind
To the warmth of the sun on your face
A cool breeze to play
All these wonderful smells –
I could wallow in them all day.

I just need you.

You know how it feels
To be abandoned.

Don’t feed that fear!

Walk with me.