Internal Dialogue

Resistance: “Ugh, the weather is gross! I don’t want to go out.” (for my music therapy session this afternoon)

Guilt: “You don’t want to go out because you’d rather play Skyrim. Think of all the people who have to go out and work today! Wakana is going out so she can meet with you in her office, you should do it too. Stop being so selfish!”

Pragmatism: “But we have the option of meeting over Skype, so we don’t have to go out. And it’s safer to avoid traveling in the current conditions. We know someone who got in an accident because of the weather last night. Do you want to risk getting hurt when you have a perfectly viable alternative?”

The Wounded One: “You two think ‘staying safe’ and playing Skyrim are more important than therapy! I need to work in therapy so I can heal!”

Compromise: “Yes, continuing our work in therapy is very important. We will definitely continue doing that work, and we can – and will, Resistance – do something toward it today. It might not be as much as you’d like, Wounded One, because Resistance feels very strongly on the matter, but it will be something, okay?

Compromise: “Guilt, our going out today will not do anything to help the people who ‘have to’ go out. If anything, we might make things more difficult for them by getting in the way. I agree with Pragmatism that it is better to stay home than take the risks associated with going out in this weather.”

Wounded One: “But my therapy!”

Compromise: “Wounded One, if we choose not to go out today, we are not giving up on therapy completely. Even if we were to terminate therapy – not that anyone’s suggesting we should! – that would not undo all the hard work we’ve done so far, nor would it reduce the benefits we’ve gained. We respect that this work is important to you and we have every intention of continuing it. We can make every effort to maximize the benefits we get from that work today… except for traveling in this weather. That’s the only thing we’re asking from you, permission to stay home and be safe. Is that okay?”

Resistance: “I don’t want to do the work today.”

Compromise: “But you agree that the work we’ve done so far has been helpful, yes?”

Resistance (reluctantly): “Well, I suppose so… You’re giving me a voice, that’s kinda nice.”

Compromise: “And it’s worth continuing…”

Resistance: “I guess… I’ll hang around and see what you people come up with.”

Compromise: “Great. So we’re staying home and using Skype to meet with Wakana. We’ll do what work in therapy we can, given the circumstances. Next week hopefully we’ll be able to go in and have better conditions for getting the most out of therapy. Okay everyone?”

The Wounded One and Pragmatism: “Okay!”

Resistance: “I don’t know how I feel about going in next week.”

Compromise: “We’ll talk about it then. We’re staying home today – that’s what you wanted.”

Resistance: (sighing) “Okay.”

Guilt: “You still shouldn’t use the extra time to play Skyrim. We have a thesis to work on and the house is a mess and -”

Compromise: “Okay, we’ll use it to do other things as well – there certainly are plenty of good things we can do with that time! And, well, there’s nothing wrong with taking some time to play Skyrim… it’s just better if we don’t spend the whole day doing it.”

The Healthy One with Good Communication: (crying tears of joy) “Wow, look at what you all accomplished today! This is a testament to all the hard work you’ve done together in therapy. I’m so proud of all of you. Keep it up!”

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Compliance

My prescriber wants me to take a low dose of Clonazepam approximately 30 minutes before bed every night. She prescribed it after I told her about the anxiety I’ve been experiencing, and the fact that I haven’t been sleeping. I thought it was a sleep aid, but apparently it’s used to treat anxiety, panic disorder, seizure disorders, and bipolar. My more rational side says it was probably a miscommunication, but I think she intentionally misled me into thinking its primary purpose was to make me fall asleep more easily.

I might become dependent on it. Possible side effects include a ton of issues I’m already experiencing such as aches and pains, sore throat, depressive symptoms, irritability, difficulty sleeping…. and of course there’s the risk of it causing suicidal thoughts. That’s my biggest fear, especially this time of year. I’ve had my share of suicidal thoughts, thanks; I definitely don’t need to have them as a result of the medication I’m taking to recover from one of their primary causes.

I had an anxiety attack from just looking at the basic information about this drug, never mind the official list of side effects. It actually proved quite helpful in getting myself to sleep: I said, “we can lie down and try to sleep or we can take this medication” and next thing I knew I was curled up on my side under blankets, the phone OFF and my body starting to relax. I’m acutely aware of the fact that it’s completely within my ability and my rights to just not take the medication; I don’t even have to feel guilty because it only cost my insurance a couple dollars. But the good patient in me is saying I should comply with treatment and trust my prescriber.

I don’t know who to trust.

I’m tired.