It’s Happening Again

I spent yesterday on an emotional roller coaster: feeling sad, feeling angry, regretting my decision to resign, feeling angry, feeling powerless, being glad I resigned because I can focus on other things, feeling frustrated, feeling sad …

And on top of that I’ve been questioning whether what I’m doing has any basis in reality. But when I talk to other folks (besides Ron) and think about the other people who also resigned because of this, I feel vindicated. It’s necessary.

It just hurts to see my state party moving on without me – especially the ways in which they’re moving on without me. And their surrogates are pushing back with seemingly innocuous posts on social media expressing the very views Ron and I are most opposed to. And I feel powerless because no one was listening to me when I had a leadership role in the party, why in the world would they listen to me after I resigned and joined in calling them out on social media? The more we fight, the more they’re gonna dig in their heels.

I’ve spent the day haunted by the memory of the last time this happened, when my friend (whom I later assigned the pseudonym “Mo”) was basically forced to resign. Here’s what I wrote about it at the time:

I’ve watched 2 people I once considered friends attack the other folks I’m friends with in my state party, watched them (try to) cause all sorts of crazy drama and make the leadership look bad, basically turning friends into enemies. I feel caught in the middle, knowing there is good in each of these people but also knowing how one of them manipulated me and they’ve both hurt people I care about. And I love my friends, but it kills me to watch them talk trash about these people who’ve honestly done stuff to deserve it, but who are also hurting. Why else would they engage in such destructive behavior?

Some of the things that are going on have me wondering, if I ever do anything to annoy one or more of these folks, will they talk to me about it? Or will they alienate me and talk  trash about me behind my back?

I’m questioning whether the fondness, camaraderie, desire to be close I feel toward these people is mutual, or even real. One friend in particular, I love him and he at least seemed to hold me in high regard, value my contributions, care about me as a person. But lately he’s been aloof,

I guess this time the roles of the “2 people I once considered friends” are played by Ron, myself, and maybe 1-3 other allies. We’re calling our former colleagues out for the drama they’ve caused, but I can see how some folks might see us as the ones causing the drama (especially the way it’s being spun). The “other folks I’m friends with” are practically the exact same people I’m having a problem with now. They talked trash about Ron and tried to manipulate me and others (with varying degrees of success) and I just couldn’t pretend to be in the middle again. So I’ve officially resigned from the state party; instead I’ll focus on local organizing. I know they’re talking trash about me behind my back; from what folks have said it’s been going on for a while now because they can’t deal with me being nonbinary. (In other words they’re transphobic.) And I’m kinda hurt by it but also like “whatever, they were never worth my time anyway” and that just breaks my heart.

And the “one friend in particular” is the person I later decided to call “Carl;” far as anyone can tell he’s at the center of this whole mess, which is essentially a giant power grab. I first caught on to it when he started taking control of the committee I chaired while a major component of his responsibilities unraveled. I feel like he’s been manipulating me for most of the year+ I’ve known him, but the first time I was really able to notice and say it was when he first started trying to get me to resign, about a month ago. He and Ron have been butting heads practically since Day 1, and Ron’s been calling him out on the problems he’s been causing, and he was the one who essentially turned everyone against Ron until ze resigned … if I remember correctly Carl was a driving force behind the demonization of Mo, too … wow …

Another thing that’s haunting me is a series of texts Mo sent me yesterday, basically saying that my actions contributed to the problem when he was going through this and helped create the situation I’m in now. He basically said our resignations won’t make a difference – not in the behavior of the current leadership and the folks they’re able to sway, at least. I’m a bit hurt that he didn’t seem interested in having a dialogue about it, but I have to agree with him. A major part of why I left is because they were showing no remorse, no self-reflection, no consideration or respect for Ron, nothing. Why would they do that now that they have nearly full control over my state Green Party? They can do whatever they want – just like high-ranking Republicans and Democrats.


5 Years!!!

a day with depression turned 5 years old on Tuesday!

Happy Anniversary with! You registered on 5 years ago. Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging.

I’ll admit I haven’t gone back to look through my 5 years of blogging, and I’ve been posting a lot less regularly as of late, but this blog has been a real help for me. I’m glad I have a space to share experiences that people don’t always talk about (though it’s getting better), that can be rather isolating. I’m grateful for the community I found on WordPress, particularly other mental health bloggers. I miss Blog for Mental Health, maybe we can pick that up again.

In the time since starting this blog I have …

  • had the pleasure of “parenting” 3 pairs of rats
  • learned a great deal about intersectional feminism
  • socially transitioned from the gender I was assigned at birth to nonbinary / enby
  • gotten married
  • become a zillion times more confident and assertive
  • healed a great deal
  • come to accept that mental health “recovery” is a never-ending, nonlinear process
  • made some absolutely amazing friends
  • become engaged in activism and politics
  • learned so much
  • learned that I have so much more to learn
  • figured out what meds work for me – including that I don’t need the clonazepam
  • developed kickass coping skills for anxiety and depression

There’s been a lot of drama in the Green Party as of late, throughout the US and unfortunately also in my state. It breaks my heart, really, because we have much much more important things to focus on. I’ve been feeling incredibly overwhelmed and not focusing on what I need to do to live a fulfilling life.

(Ironically – or perhaps not – the latest drama in my state party is uncannily similar to what happened to someone else back in March:

it has to do with people he loved betraying him, and feeling powerless to change what’s going on in an organization he’s supposed to be a leader of. An organization he led very well, and changed for the better, but that’s not what some of its most powerful leaders – his former and my current friends – are focusing on.

(These same people – my “friends” – are now verbally wrecking the latest person they’ve forced to leave: Ron.)

So, I’ve decided to end my involvement in my state party. I will probably continue to help organize locally, and engage in nonpartisan activism, but I need to take a step back from this stuff and pick up the life I’ve put on hold for a year and a half. I’m grateful for the actual friendships I’ve made, my relationship with Ron, the experiences I’ve had, everything I’ve learned, the skills I’ve developed, all of it.

Now it’s time to start a new chapter.