[A Suitable Metaphor]

So sometimes explosions can be helpful. Things did not go well within the EP the other day, everyone was very unhappy, and I came this close to resigning (or being kicked out)… but it made me realize how important the EP is to me. So the next day I apologized and had my meeting with Wakana and told her everything. She said it’s a thing that happens to people who’ve had traumatic experiences and who’ve been enmeshed and whatnot, like I have… I’m afraid to get too close and be overwhelmed, so I push people away. I get anxious about being on the outside so I create the situation where I’m on the outside because at least that’s familiar and oddly feels safer even though it sucks. I told her all about how it’s always been rare for me to feel like part of the group (I feel more like an outsider trying to interact with the group). And I told her all about my friend asking me to be his business partner, and feeling out of the loop, and feeling guilty that I wasn’t doing more, and feeling like I couldn’t do more because of various things happening over the summer and and…

She told me if something’s important to me I need to commit to it and actually follow through, even when it means doing things I don’t want to do, even when it’s work. She helped me realize that I had dropped the ball by not telling my friend that I was feeling out of the loop and didn’t know what to do and felt like I wasn’t doing enough and felt bad about that and so on. I realized that as hurt as I felt about the whole situation, when I stepped out of my own head and looked at the bigger picture, him giving me a much smaller role in the company makes a lot of sense. I’m actually the one who gave myself that role, if I’m being completely honest. Complaining about it to the people who have been working their butts off, instead of talking to him directly, was counterproductive. Well, except that it pulled everything out into the open and provided a valuable learning opportunity.

When I called my friend he was my friend. We he asked me about my efforts to switch programs and I told him how that’s going and he told me how he’s been doing and what he wants for the company and so on. He made it clear that what happened needs to never happen again. I told him how I’ve felt this whole time and apologized. He said that if I need to talk to him about anything I can call him. Overall I didn’t really get everything I wanted from the conversation, but we’re still friends and that’s enough. And talking to him helped me feel a lot more “in” the company.

I bounced back and felt fantastic telling our new social media person she’s awesome (it’s the damn truth!). I took an article about something I wasn’t particularly interested in, learned about it, and was happy. I got to be creative figuring out how and what to write about it. I also got to finally post an article I’d done a lot of research for over the summer, which felt fantastic not just to see it up there and getting views and whatnot (so glad we waited) but there was also the satisfaction of having two things to offer the group. I want to do this work and I feel more a part of the group than before for the first time, thanks to how everyone has moved on from the explosion.

And today we got a request from someone who wants us to interview them and write an article!!! We were all squeeing because this is the kind of thing we were dreaming of a few months ago and now it’s happening!!!

… and speaking of It Happening… I finally heard back from the composition department… around the same time all this stuff was going on, that’s why I hadn’t written about it yet. The chair expressed appreciation for certain aspects of my composing, but said there are other aspects I need to work on – and I agree with his assessment wholeheartedly. He said I would make an excellent addition to the program after addressing the issues he’s concerned about, hooked me up with another faculty member to take composition lessons with, and suggested I take the theory courses so that if I reapply and am accepted I won’t have wasted any time! So instead of waiting until next semester to start I should be able to enroll in composition lessons next week… OMG IT’S HAPPENING!!! And it’s happening now!!!

I’m so excited! but also for some reason I’m kinda fixated on the fact that for the first time ever I’ll just be studying music, not in conjunction with or alongside something somehow related to behavioral science. The form, the relationships among frequencies, the interplays of rhythms and melodies, the sounds that can be made by various instruments, how to intentionally weave all of this into something… well, it depends on what you’re going for. Expressive. Magnificent. Soothing. Arousing. Inspiring. Divine… All of it, right there.

 

And Banji’s home. And my mom is awesome. And I’m getting to connect with nifty people doing stuff we enjoy. And I survived dusting my desktop for the first time in way too long. And everything just feels… balanced. Like right now there’s this perfect harmony going on, but it takes a lot of concentration to maintain and things are going to tip one way or the other, it’s not sustainable as it is, there’s a certain energy and tension and yet calmness, focus, maybe even peace. That moment of silence between the cadence and its resolution. The calm before the storm… Which I guess is oddly appropriate since it’s Mabon (either today or tomorrow), the Autumnal Equinox. Everything is in balance for this brief day and night and then we descend into the darkness and cold of winter. But there’s a certain power and strength and majesty to the darkness that I love and that I can…

okay, let’s be honest, it’s feeling more and more like Halloween. I could go into the significance of Samhain and the sabbats and so on but seriously. HALLOWEEN!!! Who doesn’t love this time of year? I need to stop writing and start figuring out my costume because damnit I’m dressing up this year and it’s gonna be awesome!!!

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Now I don’t know how to stop…

In the two weeks since my last post, I played The Sims 3 to the point where the offspring of the original young adult couple are young adults themselves, recorded over 400 memories (with carefully-composed screenshots), and 10 seasonal greeting cards. The mother is an elder, the father is a vampire, the older daughter is dating a female vampire, and the younger daughter wants to follow in Leonardo da Vinci’s footsteps. I’ve decided to set it aside for now because I made the sims’ lifespans too long (180 days, for anyone who cares). Playing that game has become unbearably tedious.

A 4x3 grid with 10 images. Changing seasons are depicted left to right: Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring. At first there is a heterosexual young adult couple. Then the family grows to include a child and teenager. By the last image both children are young adults, one of the original young adults is an elder, and the other is a vampire.

The 10 Greeting Cards: Here you can see the family change and grow in conjunction with the cyclic changing of the seasons.

Now I have a third version of that family, but with shorter lifespans (130 days). I built them a much better starter house than the previous versions. The front room is one big open space with both living room (left) and kitchen (right); there is a counter island that separates the space. Walk about halfway into the house and the door to the bedroom is on the left; to the bathroom is on the right. A door between the kitchen area and bathroom provides an alternative entrance/exit and passage into a new addition to the house, should one be built (which will happen eventually). I’m sorry I don’t have a screenshot because it’s really, really nice.

What I do have are the first seasonal greeting card and 13 memories for each of the sims in my new game. I’m really not sure what would be the best way to present them, and I don’t want this to become a The Sims 3 blog! But I feel like there’s gotta be a reason I’ve become so obsessed with this stuff, something I’m trying to express through it. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m just trying to avoid reality as much as possible. All I know is I’ve pulled an all-nighter and I feel like if I go to bed without writing this, when I wake I’m going to get all caught up in what other people want me to do and never get around to posting it. It has to happen now.

Here’s a thumbnail grid with the images in as close to chronological order as I could get them.

One thing I’ve noticed so far is that Angelo seems to be happier than Maria for two reasons: 1. He starts out doing something he loves (not something he hopes will lead to something he finds fulfilling). 2. He focuses on his area of success (receiving 6 credits toward his degree) instead of feeling disappointed about something he didn’t get (a scholarship). Maybe there’s something I can learn from him.