Burn, Baby, Burn(s depression checklist)

I’ve been tracking my symptoms on the Burns Depression Checklist for another month; so far so good. (view July-August & August-September) Scores have remained in the teens on half the days, a phenomenon that was previously unheard of. My average score for the month was a 22, which is 10 points lower than last month!

A graph showing Ziya's scores on the Burns Depression Checklist from September 16, 2014 to October 16, 2014.

Ziya’s scores on the Burns Depression Checklist from September 16 to October 16, 2014.

There are several factors I believe have contributed to my improved mood. Reading The Drama of the Gifted Child inspired some profound healing in the last full week of September. The most conventionally “sane” way to word it is probably that the emotional and presenting-myself-to-the-world aspects of my psyche became more integrated, so I can acknowledge, express, and act upon my emotions more easily. This helps me to feel more alive; all the energy that went into suppressing my emotions is now available for, well, whatever I want to do. It’s wonderful and amazing and just… Wow!

I started taking the Lamictal my APN prescribed on Monday, September 29th. This is represented visually on the graph above by a vertical purple line. I’ve been taking the Lamictal consistently at about the same time every day for over two weeks. I hesitate to say it’s working just yet, but so far I’m feeling very positive about it. In addition to the Lamictal, I started taking Omega 3 and Vitamin D supplements on October 8th.

Additionally, Fox was offered a job that he’s really excited about, and not just because he finally has income! His energy levels have skyrocketed since he started working; that’s been a huge inspiration for me. I get the time to myself that I’d been craving, and when he’s home I’m thrilled to spend quality time with him. We actually have things to talk about because we’ve been having different experiences all day! There are adjustments, as always, but overall it’s been a real boon to our relationship. I wasn’t kidding when I said the sexiest thing he could do was get a job…

Finally, the dates that have a blue horizontal line under them in the graph above are days I spent with Banji. This past weekend was particularly wonderful; we got away from the stress of our respective lives and got to spend a few days talking, making art, playing music together, and enjoying the fall foliage. I went about 24 hours without using a computer or smart phone and it was amazing! I had all this time; I didn’t know what to do with myself! So I colored in my sketchpad, took a walk outside, tried to sneak around like my Skyrim character, and interacted with living breathing 3-dimensional people using spoken words, vocal inflections, and facial expressions. And laughed, oh, the laughter! I even cooked and cleaned up afterward!

By the time I got home I was a bit tired of socializing and just wanted some time to myself. I tried to play The Sims 3 – not the best or healthiest choice, I know – and ran into all sorts of crazy glitches. I got very frustrated because people kept interrupting me, especially my mother. I try so hard and I think she does too but I still find our conversations to be emotionally draining – especially when she’s hounding me about the things I still need to do for the wedding. That just makes me want to shut down and block everything out even more!

Considering the abrupt change from vacationing with Banji to feeling emotionally drained at home without her and not coping all that well, I’m optimistic to see my scores gradually climbing from 13 on Monday to 30 yesterday. It’s less disruptive than the wild oscillations I’ve experienced in the past; I expect that I can bring the score back down (representing a reduction in depressive symptoms) by practicing some of the things I enjoyed so much while on vacation: less time in front of the computer, more time engaged in creative pursuits. Another way to reduce my symptoms is to actually do the things Mom’s been hounding me about, because then she won’t feel so anxious anymore, so she’ll have less emotional garbage to heap on me. This solution has the added benefit of completing the steps necessary to successfully prepare for my wedding. Win-win!

In addition to the overall lower scores, I had a truly amazing thing happen last week. For the first time since I’ve been tracking, and otherwise for I have no idea how long, I had 8 consecutive days without suicidal thoughts or urges. It was wonderful! (My “relapse” yesterday was triggered by a very specific situation that has been dealt with and is easily avoidable; if I choose to write about it in this blog I’ll do so in another post.)

A graph showing Ziya's (standardized) scores on the subcategories of the Burns Depression Checklist from September 16 to October 16, 2014.

Ziya’s (standardized) scores on the subcategories of the Burns Depression Checklist from September 16 to October 16, 2014. There are multiple instances when the purple line drops to 0 and disappears, indicating multiple consecutive days with no suicidal urges!

Considering the presence of other, shorter periods of time with no suicidal thoughts or urges earlier in the month, I’m optimistic that this has the potential to become my new norm. And that, oh wow! It’s not just about wanting to live. It’s wanting and being able to live while also being true to oneself. It’s having multiple options; seeing the full complexity of a difficult situation instead of just the discouraging parts. It’s knowing where my toolbox is, seeing the tools when I open it, having the confidence to use them, and making creative use of duct tape.

Groundhog Day

You fool!
What is with you and that game?!
You play and play for hours on end
And every day is
Identical.

You think I am old and blind,
But I know:
You watch an image of a human
Play with her image of a pet
Images are all you see!

What about ME!?
I’m here!
Flesh and blood and FUR
And so much more
I need your love!

You’ve talked about walking
Walk with me!
I love to get out
Smell the world
And know you are right beside me.

But you sit and you stare and complain.
I know that you’re hurting
Your arm, every day
With that mouse.
Get out of the house!

They do the same thing every day,
And we repeat the same harmony.
I bark. You groan
And thrash like the dead
And shamble around reluctantly.

Blind
To the warmth of the sun on your face
A cool breeze to play
All these wonderful smells –
I could wallow in them all day.

I just need you.

You know how it feels
To be abandoned.

Don’t feed that fear!

Walk with me.

SIMulated Haiku

Supernatural sims
Are taking over the town:
Witch, Vampire, Fae.

Cast a spell for love,
But hate emerges instead;
Soon you are a toad!

Who will kiss the toad?
Not I – playing with magic.
House burns to the ground.

What do we have if
Not love? I’ll cast once again.
Magical romance.

Kiss the toad now please.
Is he a prince? No – but wait!
He is the Doctor!

Virtual Mansion: Escapism, or Canvas for Creativity?

Depending on your perspective, I was either entirely unproductive, or extremely productive over the past couple of days.

The case for unproductive: schoolwork, household chores, errands, organizing all the stuff that was displaced in the move, training for the overnight walk, even updating this blog, etc. – EVERYTHING ground to a halt. If it is at all meaningful in the “real world,” then I took no part in it. (Am I proud of this? No. But I think I needed a break.)

The case for extremely productive: I built a mansion from scratch … in The Sims 3. Okay, so I had a very strong sense of what I wanted to do going into the project, but I did everything – from clearing the lot I wanted to build on, to moving in the family that’s going to live there and placing a few last-minute items – in 2 days.

I built this 4-story mansion in 2 days!

From left to right, the mansion includes: a 2-car garage with a game room on the second floor and grilling/party space on the roof; a barn capable of housing up to 6 horses; an art studio; a garden for fruits and vegetables; a gorgeous 2-story entryway and banquet hall; a giant library with multiple rooms; 7 bedrooms; 2 kitchens; a state-of-the-art gym; a very large, gorgeous bathroom multiple sims can use at once and still have privacy; a hot tub and pool with grilling/party space; and a children’s play space.

Best of all, I got to listen to some truly awesome music while doing it! 🙂

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Daily Prompt: Burning Down the House – What Cannot Be Replaced

Daily Prompt: Burning Down the House | The Daily Post.

Today, The Daily Post has set fire to my house! All the people and animals are safe and I have time to grab – and save – five items.

I glance around quickly at all the things that will be lost: my furniture, clothes, beloved books, countless nicknacks. My eyes tear up as they fall upon the bead curtain my friends and I have been working on since college. But all these things, as painful and expensive as it may be to lose them now, can be replaced. The air is filling with smoke; it’s getting harder to breathe. I must act quickly.

The very first thing I grab is my viola; if I’m lucky it is already packed, with its bow, in its case. My viola is not an inanimate object, it is a beautiful musical instrument with a unique personality and with which I have a very meaningful relationship. To lose it would be to lose a part of my soul.

Next I grab my guitar, also already packed in its case – which I can sling fairly easily over my shoulder. I knew this was My Guitar the moment I first strummed it. There is no way I could leave it behind.

Choking, I run over to my desk. I grab the external hard drive that houses the only copy of some of my older files, most notably music I composed in college.

Once that is secure, I unplug all the wires from the back of my desktop computer. This baby was custom-built three years ago and my only complaint about it is that my security software somehow manages to slow it down – nothing some extra RAM couldn’t fix. More importantly, it has the only copy of some irreplaceable files on it. There is no way I will willingly leave it behind.

Finally, I am torn as to what my last item should be. Do I try to wrangle the bead curtain? Grab my digital camera, which likely has some pictures on it I have yet to transfer to a computer? What about my sketchbook? It has my unique drawings in it … but the ones I care about most have been scanned.

I check my left hand – yes, I’m already wearing my engagement ring.

The air is thickening; I can barely see. My eyes fall on my laptop. It is one of the most valuable items I own, and it also has irreplaceable files on it. Though I’ve had the desktop longer, the laptop – because I can use it in bed, take it anywhere with me, etc. – feels more like I have a special relationship with it. I grab it and run for my life.

I escape just in time, running from ground zero as my home collapses behind me. Ashes, smoke, and flames billow into the air. Somewhere in the distance, sirens are sounding.

I am so relieved to join my loved ones in safety. We hug, we cry, we tremble, but we’re all here, safe. I think about all the stuff that I have lost … but it is precisely that: stuff. What I really need is what’s around me: Love.

*****

As a hoarder, especially a hoarder who is transitioning between spaces, I find it exceptionally useful to respond to this kind of prompt. It can be so hard to get rid of things. As crazy as the clutter drives me, it’s also comforting. Each item I get rid of is like throwing away a part of myself. It hurts.

But they’re just things! This prompt has me thinking about which of my things are really important, and which I could live without. Ultimately, the answer is that the items I need most enable me to express myself. My computer hard drives contain some of my most meaningful self-expressions.

Yes, I need things like clothes. Yes, I want to keep all my books and other media. But most of this stuff is just stuff. The emotions, the memories, they all live inside me. I can be whole without this stuff! And that means I can let some of it go …