[CW: descriptions of ways alcoholics and people under the influence of alcohol behave that can be harmful, especially to others]
In my last post I described 3 of the people I’ve been working with, ways in which some of their behaviors are reflective of (and/or caused by) the influence of alcohol, and weird psychological dynamics I’ve been experiencing with them. Today’s session with Wakana, which just ended, expanded on that discussion.
Every so often, I feel energized and motivated to do the things I need to take care of myself. But many days – most days – I really don’t want to be bothered with anything.
I don’t want to take a shower and get dressed. I don’t want to go anywhere. I certainly don’t want to do whatever Mom has asked of me! (We got a new dehumidifier for the basement that she keeps asking me to set up. “Sooner, rather than later, please!”) The rats are overdue for a cage cleaning. The living room is still a mess. I still don’t have a new psychiatrist – though Dad gave me some things to think about so when I am ready to find one, I’ll know what to look for and what questions to ask. In the meantime I might go back to Psychiatrist B just so I don’t go have to go off my meds again … assuming I can get myself to be bothered with making the appointment to see him.
Ugh! I want to get out and do something interesting – maybe try out archery at a local place that offers lessons and use of their equipment for $12 total one night per week. I want to neaten this place up. I want to spend quality time with Fox and other loved ones. I want to get better … AND I want to play Oblivion / watch Star Trek: Voyager. Or just relax. Read – I’m a couple chapters into yet another reread of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.
But trimming some yellow leaves off the plants in my vegetable garden feels like it should be enough of an accomplishment for one day. (I was quite pleased to see small green fruits on the tomato plant. And, equally important, I was able to request and receive useful advice from Mom regarding what to do about the leaves.)
Why do I have to constantly question my choices, feel like they’re “unhealthy” (or morally wrong), feel like I have to change? Why can’t I just breathe?