Not Okay

He said I needed to submit my composition portfolio by July 1st. So I scheduled the email for 8am.

Okay, I was having some trouble figuring out what to do with the last piece. I probably could’ve done a lot better. But I thought the stuff I pulled together was interesting, at least?

At first I just wanted a break from composing like non-stop, and getting so anxious over the deadline I couldn’t focus. So for a few days to a week I played Skyrim.

And I didn’t hear back. I was still anxious. So even though I “should” do this and that, I’ve had trouble getting myself to. I’ve emailed him 3 times asking him to at least confirm that he’s received the portfolio. Nada.

And it’s just gotten worse, and worse. I started doubting whether I actually have what it takes. I imagined him saying I suck at this. I kinda feel like I suck at this. And I feel guilty for not writing a single note since I submitted my portfolio on July 1st.

I mean, if it’s living, then wtf am I doing?

Then Fox lost his job because the idiots running his company couldn’t make enough money to keep his store open (HR outright admitted that the employees were doing great, corporate screwed up). So he’s been dealing with unemployment and applying for jobs… but mostly we’re both just kinda at a loss.

I dunno, I did the dishes today, that counts as something, right?

Oh and I got a call from people fundraising for a local police association. I listened to their spiel, then asked what the association is doing about police violence toward people of color. The salesperson forwarded me to his supervisor, who said she’s just a paid fundraiser and gave me the number of the association. I found their deer-in-the-headlights response… interesting. I’m kinda undecided whether to call the number. On the one hand I’m genuinely curious about the answer. On the other I’m anxious about cold-calling anyway and I don’t know if the person will be nice and explain things or hostile or manipulative or what. But I’m kinda hoping getting questions like that will put pressure on police organizations to do something – like training cops to treat POC the same way they treat white people. Right?

I dunno, I talk big but I’m finding it very hard to do anything.

Fortunately one thing that was kinda hanging over my head has been resolved, so that helps me feel a bit freer to look into new possibilities. And I’m gonna follow up with whats-his-face (you know I’m mad at someone when I call them whats-his-face) on Monday. Depending on his answer – or if I don’t get an answer – I might start composing again out of spite. And possibly looking into other programs, or other careers. (I feel like a lot of the jobs I’ve seen and thought “hey that could be cool” require computer programming.)

Oh and Duolingo has an Arabic course. It’s… entertaining, at least, with some of the stuff it teaches you to say. So I got into that and now I can recognize all the characters and (mostly) associate the right sounds with them. My reading is very slow if I’m trying to sound things out, but I’m starting to recognize specific words as a whole. I can also sing the Arabic lyrics in “Beyond the Stars” by Myrath. And my library provides card holders free access to Rosetta Stone, so I’ve started its Arabic course. If I’m accomplishing anything lately it’s… basically that.

And tabletop RPG collective storytelling. I’ve GM’d a couple sessions recently, experimenting with different levels and types of preparation. I tend to write out guides for myself kinda like the pre-created adventures in D&D? To be honest it’s a lot of work and you end up having to improvise a lot anyway. (Pro Tip: If you want players to learn about a location by exploring it, do not tell them it has a library, or a hall of records. :facepalm:) But, I gotta admit, part of me is wondering whether that’s something I could find a way to get paid to do.

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