Still Wounded

I wrote a post about 5 days ago, but didn’t post it because I had to drive Fox somewhere.

I just want to give a quick update before I share the post: it turns out I was transferred to Fox’s prescriber at the same clinic where I’ve been going, so I was able to make an appointment with her (just in time to refill my meds). The “epic quest” was not so epic after all – thank God. (I’m still having trouble believing it.)

This turn of events was extra good because I was able to use my doctor’s appointment to address some problems that have been bothering me for a while. I apparently have arthritis in my knees; he sent me to get x-rays, which may result in physical therapy that will (hopefully) alleviate some of the pain so I can be active, healthy, and happy(er than I am when I’m sedentary). I’m also (hopefully) going to have a sleep study done to figure out what’s causing my chronic fatigue (you know, besides the depression), and blood work for good measure. My conversation with my doctor has me feeling more motivated to try and actually eat healthy foods, which is an important part of self-care.

Anyways, without further ado, here’s the post I wrote 5 days ago:

Things have been going really well with Ron (my paramour) and Fox (my husband). They respect each other enough to be able to joke about whether and how Fox is going to kill Ron (nah, he’s too tired – he’ll figure out how later). I’ve found that working on my relationship with one of them helps me strengthen my relationship with the other, and vice versa. They each contribute something unique and beautiful to my life; I find loving them both deeply satisfying.

Ron and I have been working a lot on our communication over the past 2 months, and it’s been great not only for our relationship, but my mental health in general. We’re not just connecting, we’re understanding each other. We’re listening to each other. Ze brought up a concept that hadn’t really been on my radar: physical communication, which I’ll kind of broadly define as intentionally using body language to communicate desire (and boundaries). We talked about how ze interprets certain signals, ways to indicate whether we want to go deeper or need to back off, staying in the moment the whole time. These are things Fox and I usually use verbal communication for when we’re really being intentional about it; I find a combination of physical and verbal communication to be ideal. It’s been fantastic and freeing; Ron and I can laugh and relax and feel safe with each other while thoroughly enjoying the intensity of our mutual attraction.

The three of us recently had a conversation that I thought would focus on resolving Fox’s concerns about me continuing to see Ron, and Ron’s … discomfort with the possibility that Fox might not be particularly fond of zir. (There’s a reason why Ron initiated that joke.) The resolution was basically: “Don’t intentionally hurt Ziya.” “Never, I love them.” Ron also took responsibility for the things ze had done that hurt me, and expressed a commitment to actively improving zir mental health (not just managing symptoms).

The majority of the conversation ended up being about my mental health, which surprised me at the time but makes sense, I guess. I’d felt like I’d been doing so much better, almost … wanting to believe that the depression and anxiety were no longer a factor in my life. I can do so much – I’ve been doing things that once seemed impossible: organizing protests, being a leader, having a social life, making new meaningful friendships, feeling whole and free. But there’s always two sides to the coin.

I’ve been focusing so much on activism, and had been so focused on Ron & zir needs, I was neglecting myself. Ron expressed during our three-way conversation that ze had no way of knowing about my past traumas and triggers if I didn’t tell zir about them. Ze also admitted to having put me on a pedestal and apologized. It reminds me of when I wrote that I wasn’t sure how much of me Ron was getting to see because ze was so focused on sharing zir whole self with me, and I was so focused on trying to understand. Now there’s more of a mutuality to it: I’m sharing more with zir, and ze’s getting me.

Ze helped me clean my kitchen, including sweeping the floor; ze didn’t say a word as ze gathered dust and hair and cereal and put them in the garbage. I stood watching, waiting for the kinds of quiet criticisms my mother has always given me. As the seconds passed and nothing came, I started crying.

Ron can see me – all of me – and love all of me. I know Fox and Banji (my life partner) do, too.

So, I don’t want to discount that, it’s how I genuinely felt at the time (I think). But honestly I haven’t been too happy in my relationship with Fox. In my session with Wakana today, I shared that I feel like I’ve given up a lot of myself since I’ve been with him, in particular my music. I’m not so sure he sees me and loves me for all of who I am because he doesn’t really get engaged when I talk about the things that are important to me, and our life (house) is literally a complete and utter mess. It’s when I bring someone in from outside (usually Banji, but more recently Ron) that this place becomes habitable. For a time. Then we both mess it up again. I just, I get so frustrated because he leaves garbage everywhere. And acquires things we don’t need (and can’t afford). And seems to be on a completely different planet regarding what’s presentable (at minimum) or a healthy environment. I could scream. I should scream, I’m the only one home, but I can’t bring myself to do so.

And now I gotta be honest I’m questioning to what degree my relationship with Ron is truly a loving relationship that can be part of a healthy polyamorous system … and to what degree I’m “using” zir to satisfy needs Fox doesn’t seem interested in filling. I mean there’s a healthy aspect to not relying on one person to satisfy all of one’s needs, but I guess I need to figure out what needs (if any) Fox is still filling and whether they’re healthy ones. And is my relationship with Ron truly one of mutual love and enrichment, or are we each trying to get something out of the other that we can’t (currently) find in the relationship(s) we would consider primary? (I’ve got Banji & Fox – tho I gotta be honest sometimes I wonder whether my whole relationship with Fox has been a less-than-healthy reaction to Banji moving away! And Ron has a loving but not romantic/sexual relationship with someone ze would like to marry & have a family with, but who says she needs to get her life in order before she can date zir.)

I haven’t spoken to Banji in far too long. It’s hard to tell how aware Fox is of what’s going on or the degree to which he cares, but he has said things to me like: “Just because it feels good doesn’t mean it’s right.”

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