Home » Codependent No More » (Don’t) Let them in, (don’t) let them see …

(Don’t) Let them in, (don’t) let them see …

So… umm… I “might be” in love with Ron. And ze’s in love with me. And we’ve been connecting on so many amazingly awesome levels … It’s magical. I feel like I can talk to zir about anything. And I want to share the universe with zir.

(I should probably take a moment to mention that I’m in a polyamorous vee with Fox and Banji, and we’re open to additional romantic partners. They both seem more comfortable with this new development than Ron and I are!)

I know I was wary about this before, but I feel like our efforts to get to know each other are having a positive effect on me – including in the direction of finally doing something about all this clutter …

On Wednesday Ron came over early to meet Fox; we had breakfast together. Then Fox left for work and Ron drove me to zir hometown, so ze could show me around and share some of the experiences that have shaped zir. We went hiking on a rather challenging path along a beautiful stream with some impressive waterfalls. There was rocky terrain, uphill (and downhill) climbing, mud – including a log we had to balance on – bridges, the works. It was a fun mental as well as physical challenge, and ze was supportive all the way. And running around taking pictures, it was adorable.

I’ve been spending way too much time in front of a computer, so the exercise was rough at first. I had to stop often, at times struggling to breathe, and my muscles and joints were quite displeased with me. But after … I’d estimate about 30-45 minutes of exercise, something changed. The breathing became a bit easier, my heart rate became reasonable, and my whole body felt so much better, so much more alive. I felt more confident and could nimbly navigate the terrain.

Add to that the fresh air, being completely surrounded by nature, often with no other humans or signs of civilization in sight … it was wonderful. I felt completely in the moment, brilliantly aware of everything: my whole body, the breeze, the ground beneath my feet, the rushing water nearby, the life all around me, Ron. It was this peace and fullness and joy that can be so rare, is so beautiful. It connected me to experiences with Banji and some of my other closest, oldest friends, and it was a shared experience with Ron, who connected it to zir experiences growing up … like a meeting of all we are through time and across space into one glorious moment of overwhelming clarity.

We had long car rides during which we talked, but also spent long stretches just listening to music together. Ze played some of zir favorite songs and geeked out about various musical elements, while I listened and danced and savored every sound. We had a nice long stretch on the way back to my house where we just quietly held hands, such a simple gesture and yet surprisingly intense, tender and passionate and so wonderfully connected.

Our hands fit perfectly together.

Then we met up with Fox and came back to the house. We all wanted to hang out a bit longer, but where? “I would invite you in, but the house is way too messy.” “Well if you want go ahead and hide a few things and let me know when I can come in.” “Well … umm … alright …” I moved some stuff around, but everything my eyes fell on filled me with despair. I wouldn’t let Banji in this house. I couldn’t let Ron see it like this.

So I popped outside and apologized and Ron went home. I was really bummed until I called zir on the phone, and ze explained how meaningful the whole experience had been to zir, and we agreed that it was definitely something to repeat.

I accomplished nothing on Thursday. I was tired and had trouble focusing all day. Finally I called Ron and ze said ze’d had a similar day, but at least got some organizing done. “Oh, man, I didn’t even do that!”

Ze also said ze would be in my area for a meeting on Friday and asked if I was available to hang out. I said yes, and I guess I’d better clean! While we were on the phone, talking about a variety of things – perhaps most importantly our relationship, how to navigate it in the context of my existing relationships, and the implications of all that for zir … as well as some deeply personal stuff – I started cleaning. Tossing junk in a trash bag. Excavating the various dishes, glasses, utensils, etc. on my desk. Gathering stuff to be recycled. Mercilessly discarding items I no longer need. Finding a home for the occasional item I actually want to keep. Dusting and talking about how relaxing it can be.

We talked for about 2.5 hours, then Fox came home, and I continued cleaning. Fox was too tired to help, but he said encouraging things and comforted me when I freaked out about how much change I was creating. Like my desk is actually an open horizontal surface now. I can’t deal with it, I have to break up the empty space somehow. But it’s nice to be able to turn my speakers on and off without risk of causing an avalanche …

Even after several hours of cleaning, this place is not presentable. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but I’d like it to be … navigable. I want there to be places one can rest one’s eyes and not feel overwhelmed by all the crap. And I want Fox to be able to vacuum because damn we need it.

But Fox and I have a plan, which includes both of us cleaning different areas. And I think I got rid of whatever was causing our dishwasher to stink. And I feel fairly confident that this place will be “neat” enough by the time Ron gets here. Like probably still cluttered, and not anything I’d really want most people to see … but okay because ze knows I’m a hoarder and loves me with my imperfections and we both acknowledge to each other that we’re wounded and vulnerable.

Oh gods, what have I begun?

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One thought on “(Don’t) Let them in, (don’t) let them see …

  1. Pingback: Be Our Guest | a day with depression

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