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Entropy

Oh, this is bad. This is really bad.

I’m exhausted but I can’t bring myself to go to sleep. Like, I’m falling asleep, I’m having auditory hallucinations, I feel completely and utterly drained of all energy … but I … it’s not even that I don’t want to go to sleep, I do. And it’s not that I can’t go to sleep. I just … I don’t know, I’m finding whatever else I can do. The computer isn’t helping but I know how to shut it down. There’s something else going on.

And I’m like barely eating. When I eat, it’s smaller portions. I don’t know if it matters that I’ve been drinking a lot of ginger ale lately? Soda, sugar … I dunno. I do know I’m not drinking enough water.

I was outside for much of the day yesterday, walking around. It was pretty awesome. But I had two nights in a row of very little sleep. So I spent most of today exhausted, with sore muscles … not exactly the best motivation to go outside and move around, gorgeous as it was today.

I hate how cluttered this apartment is, especially my desk. I couldn’t tolerate sitting at it today. But I can’t quite bring myself to do anything about it – I kinda feel like what’s the point, it’s just gonna get cluttered again. Mom sent me “4 tips for decluttering your home;” I would’ve laughed if I’d had the energy. They’re like “put a bandaid on your broken arm” or something. (She meant well, it’s just not addressing the real issue.)

I hate it but I don’t want to clean it. I want to watch the clutter take over, until there isn’t any room left. I’m fascinated by the process of any food that’s left out … umm, not to be too gross, I’ll just write “going bad.” I want to just neglect everything, myself included, watch it all rot and fade away. I’m like taking some perverse pleasure in looking at something, knowing what needs to be done, and not doing it. Just watching everything get worse and worse.

I don’t really want to hurt or kill myself, but I feel like clawing my skin off, like I can somehow find a way to escape from this body.

I’ve watched 2 people I once considered friends attack the other folks I’m friends with in my state party, watched them (try to) cause all sorts of crazy drama and make the leadership look bad, basically turning friends into enemies. I feel caught in the middle, knowing there is good in each of these people but also knowing how one of them manipulated me and they’ve both hurt people I care about. And I love my friends, but it kills me to watch them talk trash about these people who’ve honestly done stuff to deserve it, but who are also hurting. Why else would they engage in such destructive behavior?

Some of the things that are going on have me wondering, if I ever do anything to annoy one or more of these folks, will they talk to me about it? Or will they alienate me and talk  trash about me behind my back?

I’m questioning whether the fondness, camaraderie, desire to be close I feel toward these people is mutual, or even real. One friend in particular, I love him and he at least seemed to hold me in high regard, value my contributions, care about me as a person. But lately he’s been aloof, and whenever I see him he’s attached at the hip to someone else (who is NOT his wife). We were supposed to meet for breakfast before a protest, but then he invited this other person, and then breakfast became lunch, and then they were late so there was barely time for them to sit down before we had to leave, and then he said “oh I thought the event was starting later I’m so sorry” and I couldn’t even be mad at him. The last time I saw him I felt like he was rude to me. I sort of called him out for it, but at the end of the day I’m like “Dude, great seeing you, let’s share a nice warm hug.”

And the friend who thinks ze can be out vicariously through me is friends with all these people. Ze’s the one who told me the truth about the “friend” who tried to use me – but they’re friends – and he’ll defend this other person who’s trashing the party even as ze recognizes that he’s a jerk. Ze … has a weird value system that I’m not quite comfortable with, like I don’t mean to judge but I feel uncomfortable when ze states some of these views. Ze’ll talk about … oy, I need to give names to these people.

Fuck it. Suffice to say I like – maybe even love – this person, and I want to be close, I want to be friends, but I feel like I’m being sucked into some weird enmeshed quasi-romantic relationship. And ze will tease me for wanting to be with “the cool people” if I make an effort to hang out with the person who’s been aloof, but whom I’ve been friends with for longer than zir. And ze reprimanded me for looping this person into an email thread about a topic I thought he might be able to help us with, but they butt heads over ideology and strategy. Then when I say I feel like I’m doing everything wrong ze says “You do almost everything right, that’s what makes you so awesome.” Which feels nice but doesn’t take away from the fact that this person keeps saying things that make me feel self-conscious, like I anything I do is wrong.

None of “the cool people” have ever made me feel like that. On the contrary, they make me feel awesome. Even as aloof dude is being rude, he also thanks me for my contributions – and means it. (Or at least he seems to? – I dunno, I feel like I can’t trust anything.) More importantly, I feel like he’s being rude, not like there’s something wrong with me.

I think I know part of what’s going on with my vicariously-out not-romantic, umm … friend. Like I said, ze has a weird value system. Ze described at least one past relationship to me that sounded incredibly unhealthy; ze sort of admitted that it was unhealthy but also kind of seemed to think it was okay. I kinda question whether (and/or what) ze learned from the experience.

I like this person, and find zir at least somewhat attractive, and I’ll admit to flirting and otherwise engaging in / encouraging behaviors that kinda belong to that first “feeling things out” phase of a new romantic relationship. I guess you can say I’ve been feeling things out with zir. Whether ze senses that I’m pulling away / gonna pull away, or this is just a normal pattern of behavior for this person, ze is … well, ze is using a form of emotional abuse to trap me in this not-relationship: Ze says subtle things to tear down my self-esteem and make me feel vulnerable. Then once I’m vulnerable ze says things to make me feel good, and how awesome it is that this person likes me so much, clearly I should stay close. Especially when all this stuff is going on to make me question my other friends.

And especially since ze needs me; I’m the only one who truly understands what ze’s going through.

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One thought on “Entropy

  1. Pingback: A New Milestone in Therapy: Part 1 | a day with depression

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