My prescriber wants me to take a low dose of Clonazepam approximately 30 minutes before bed every night. She prescribed it after I told her about the anxiety I’ve been experiencing, and the fact that I haven’t been sleeping. I thought it was a sleep aid, but apparently it’s used to treat anxiety, panic disorder, seizure disorders, and bipolar. My more rational side says it was probably a miscommunication, but I think she intentionally misled me into thinking its primary purpose was to┬ámake me fall asleep more easily.

I might become dependent on it. Possible side effects include a ton of issues I’m already experiencing such as aches and pains, sore throat, depressive symptoms, irritability, difficulty sleeping…. and of course there’s the risk of it causing suicidal thoughts. That’s my biggest fear, especially this time of year. I’ve had my share of suicidal thoughts, thanks; I definitely don’t need to have them as a result of the medication I’m taking to recover from one of their primary causes.

I had an anxiety attack from just looking at the basic information about this drug, never mind the official list of side effects. It actually proved quite helpful in getting myself to sleep: I said, “we can lie down and try to sleep or we can take this medication” and next thing I knew I was curled up on my side under blankets, the phone OFF and my body starting to relax. I’m acutely aware of the fact that it’s completely within my ability and my rights to just not take the medication; I don’t even have to feel guilty because it only cost my insurance a couple dollars. But the good patient in me is saying I should comply with treatment and trust my prescriber.

I don’t know who to trust.

I’m tired.