Feim Zii Grom! (Become Ethereal)

trigger warning: pressure from medical professionals to lose weight, a potentially suicidal thought
content notes: From this point on, assume I’m being sarcastic, unless otherwise indicated.

I’m so grateful to my APN for forcing me to schedule a sleep study at the particular center she chose! I met the most wonderful doctor ever at my consultation. He had the miraculous ability to diagnose me with obstructive sleep apnea before conducting an actual sleep study, based on my answers to a few questions – and my weight!

Did you know that losing weight will solve all of my problems, including but not limited to sleep apnea! Clearly my lifelong history of depression, irritability, and anxiety are the result of my recent weight gain (which caused the sleep apnea) and not a lifetime of difficult family dynamics, codependency, emotional & physical abuse, and painful losses I never fully mourned. If I just lose weight, the sleep apnea will go away and I’ll be a happy, healthy, energetic, fully-functional adult! I’m so excited I want to go bake some cookies – but I won’t eat them!

[not sarcastic: Okay, I need to take a breather. *takes deep breath* My ability to put on this false, overly-cheerful tone is scaring me.]

I thought I was going to learn more about what the sleep study will entail: what kinds of tests they’ll run, what I’ll be expected to do, what treatment options might be proposed. Maybe a boring discussion about “practical” things like what my insurance is likely to cover and how I can access whatever I’ll need to get a better night’s sleep… why would I ever want that?

I’m so glad that instead, I got a lovely lecture on how weight loss could help me. You know, there really is an unfortunate shortage of information about dieting and what ideal bodies look like in this culture. I could almost cry to think of how fortunate I’ll be to have the opportunity to consult with a nutritionist and learn things about healthy eating that aren’t plastered all over the internet and every physical object that stands still long enough!

Even more exciting is the idea of having an exercise regimen! Ooh! The word “regimen” inspires so much joyful anticipation in me! I wonder how many crunches I’ll have to do each day, and how frequently the number will increase. Most of all, I look forward to seeing the expressions of disappointment and hearing the additional lectures about how important weight loss is every time the number on the scale isn’t what they’ve determined it should be. I just revel to think of it!

[not sarcastic: Actually, if they require me to adhere to an exercise regimen and be held accountable to someone else for weight loss – especially if treatment for my very real and serious mood disorder is contingent upon my successful compliance – I will … be dangerously tempted to kill myself.

also not sarcastic: By the way, there is one area in which I’m fairly confident taking Lamictal/lamotrigine was helping me: it reduced my suicidal ideation a great deal. I went from having suicidal thoughts almost every day and urges more frequently than I’d like to admit, to only occasionally having suicidal thoughts and rarely having suicidal urges. Even with all the stressful stuff I’ve been writing about, the temptation to harm myself has been a lot less severe than it was before I started taking this medication.]

Think you’re excited now? Just wait until you learn what happens next! When I – like practically everyone else – fail miserably at my attempts to intentionally lose weight, I can try bariatric surgery! (or, as Chrome’s spell checker wants to call it, “barbaric” surgery!) I can’t wait to trade in treatable conditions like sleep apnea for new long-term complications like low blood sugar, malnutrition, ulcers, and death (rare)! Equally exciting is the opportunity to struggle (for the rest of my life) with the same dieting I failed at when trying to lose weight without surgical interventions…

By far, the best part of today’s consultation was the rapport I developed with this amazing doctor. I was worried that he might listen to me when I told him about how my past efforts to intentionally lose weight have resulted in long-term weight gain. It would have been so terrible if he had respected my silly assertion that I “don’t” want to have bariatric surgery.

Ah, what a relief it is to have a doctor who dismisses my clearly-stated preference to receive treatment for the condition that brought me to his office in the first place. I’m so glad he spent most of our time together advertising for a surgeon he knows. Now I have the name and number of a doctor I may never be able to afford, and who most certainly doesn’t take my health insurance! I have never been more blessed.

I can’t wait to go to the surgeon’s free seminar and plead with him to take mercy on my poor obese soul by mutilating my body for a reduced cost. Perhaps he will take pity on me by referring me to a butcher whose fees are within my meager budget. I shall commence saving for it immediately. I know! Let’s use the money we foolishly used to spend on groceries! That should kill two birds with one stone.

[not sarcastic: I wish I’d read Ragen Chastain’s recent post, When You Have to Confront Weight Stigma before going to the consultation this morning. I could have brought her cards from What to Say at the Doctor’s Office with me. Maybe they would have helped me keep the focus of the sleep study consultation on my need for help getting a better night’s sleep! At least I know of these resources for next time, and now you do, too!]

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