Today I asked my APN what her official diagnosis for me is, hoping (among other things) it might help me present myself more accurately on my blog. She confirmed that, especially based on my past response to anti-depressants, uni-polar “depression” doesn’t capture the whole picture of what’s going on. I guess she’s not sure what’s going on. To the extent that I do know, I have no idea what to call it. I was hoping she could give me an idea. But “episodic mood disorder not otherwise specified” just doesn’t have a good ring to it – even when shortened to “mood disorder NOS.” I might as well just say I have emotional issues. Well, almost. I have clinically-relevant emotional issues.
In other news, she decided to lower my Lamictal dose from 75 mg to 50 mg due to concern about possible side effects. On the one hand I’m glad she’s taking my concerns seriously and being cautious with the only brain and body I have. On the other hand, Wakana had suggested I should increase the dose – that the lower doses aren’t enough to be therapeutic – and I’d been expecting us to move in that direction. I guess there’s still the possibility of increasing the dose if that seems to be the best course of action; it’s probably better to trust the person who has the required training, certification, and experience to make decisions about this sort of thing.
But APN is talking about adding a new medication (that I’ve never taken or heard of before) to help fight the chronic lethargy I’ve been experiencing. I’m really not a fan of taking multiple medications. Even just being on one medication has me concerned about long-term effects and my ability to safely be a biological mother on my own terms someday. Let’s say I do experience side effects: how am I supposed to know which medication is causing them, or whether it’s an interaction between the two? More medications also means more risk of interaction with environmental factors, food, caffeine, and alcohol.
I may not be too thrilled with how today’s appointment went, but I still have confidence in my APN. She’s not just prescribing medications, she’s looking at the whole picture. She suggested I get blood work done so she can get a better picture of my physical health, including how it might be affected by the new medication she’s considering. She also re-encouraged me to have a sleep study done. Maybe if I do that, they’ll address the lethargy well enough that I won’t need to take a second medication! Finally, I appreciate that she asked me if I was seeing a therapist or would be interested in therapy. It shows she considers therapy to be an important part of treatment. She also encouraged me to work on setting boundaries, so I can distinguish between what I’m feeling and what others are throwing at me. That’s what most of the posts in this blog and the work I’ve been doing with Wakana are about, so I guess I’m on the right track. It’s just taking an uncomfortably long time to get where I need to be.