a day with depression turns 2!

Yesterday (December 12th) was my two-year anniversary blogging on WordPress! They sent me this lovely notification:

A “W” with a laurel wreath around it in a circle, shades of blue. The text above and below the image reads: “Happy Anniversary! You registered on WordPress.com 2 years ago! Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!” Created by the wonderful people at WordPress.com

I’m very happy with how my blog has been doing! So far it has 357 followers and has been viewed over 16,620 times by people all over the world! Here are some images from my stats page:

A bar graph showing monthly visitors (dark blue) and views (light blue) from December 2012 through 1:29pm EST on December 13, 2014.

A map of the world showing countries color-coded according to how many views were by people in that country. Colors range from pale yellow (least views) to bright fushia (most views). Countries are listed on the left side of the image in order from most to least views. Most views of this blog are from the U.S. (10,323) the U.K. (1,446), Canada (1,196), and Australia (781).

So much has happened over the past 2 years, I really don’t think I could do it justice if I tried to write a summary. I do want to point out that my very first post – which I broke into 3 parts – was about my not-so-successful attempts to find the right medication to help manage my symptoms. I later realized that what I really needed was to find the right psychiatrist, then eventually learned that the best person for me to see (whom I could afford and access) was actually an advanced practice nurse. Her willingness to listen to me and trust me as an expert in my own needs and experiences saved us both a lot of time and headache, and I think I’m now on a very good if not the best currently-available medication for me (Lamictal/lamotrigine). We’re slowly increasing my dose to a therapeutic level and I’m already seeing some benefit, with minimal side effects. Finally!

I wrote quarterly reviews during my first year of blogging; they express my slightly-longer-term perspective on what was going on at the time. I suppose you could say 2014 has been less efficiently documented. I started out the year by making a resolution to remember that, whether I’m having the best day of my life or the worst, I’m always the “real” me. I think I did a good job of keeping to that resolution. I also renewed my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health Project.

In February I let go of the emotional burden I’d been carrying around since my father died 16 – now almost 17 – years ago. It was a great healing experience but I still miss him; sometimes I think I miss him more. In March I announced that I aim to misbehave when it comes to talking about depression – that is, to talk and write about it as honestly as I’m able when I’m experiencing my symptoms at their worst, not just “after the fact” when I can put it all in a neat, “sane” package. I also allied with the part of me that fears “recovering” – getting a job, raising a family, all the stuff we’re supposed to strive for – because of the risk that I’ll stop taking care of myself. That theme has recurred during the year, including quite recently, as I struggle to be responsive to my own emotional and other needs and also get back into the activities and goals that were (are?) important to me. To be honest, I think I need to let the storm that is the “holiday season” blow over before I can really focus on such things.

In May I wrote a bit about shame and how it is addressed in Frozen, particularly in the song “Fixer-Upper.” During a family reunion I also wrote about my need to detach emotionally from the intense emotional chaos that was going on around me. Later I realized that a lot of the not-so-savory emotions I was feeling were “borrowed” from one of my aunts; had I taken a step back to say, “that’s how she feels. How do I feel?” the whole experience probably would have been a lot less intense.

June was a difficult month, particularly for my marriage. I was feeling more energized and motivated to pursue my career goals, and very frustrated with Fox for not being on the same page. I actually broke up with him – or at least tried to do so, but he convinced me to give him a chance to make things better. I realized I needed to separate myself from Mom, who I’m sure meant well but was encouraging my feelings toward separation from Fox more than I needed – not providing the balance that would help me figure out what I really wanted. Toward that end I revisited addressing my codependency and the ways in which I’m a reactionary. I realized that my worst fear is that I will give up on myself and commit suicide. Finally, I decided that I needed to listen to myself and went back through blog posts leading up to my legal marriage ceremony in November 2013 to find places where I expressed problems in our relationship, doubt, or insecurity. Now I’m thinking it’s probably not very helpful to dive into all that negativity without also looking at the positive aspects as well – a key tendency in depression – but at the time it was what I needed to do. It helped me find and assert myself and, most importantly, address those issues.

In July we started the marriage counseling that has not only revitalized and strengthened our marriage, but also benefited our mental health as individuals immensely. Most of my posts from that month have to do with taking time to figure out what I want and asserting myself in my interactions with others. Very importantly, this includes expressing my emotions even – especially! – when I think they will be difficult for others to hear. I had my first meeting with my advanced practice nurse (APN) on July 31.

August. The good news is, Fox started seeing a psychiatrist (part 1, part 2) and taking the medication (Wellbutrin/bupropion) that has been helping him a great deal over the past four months. I also started tracking my depression symptoms / severity on the Burns Depression Checklist – something I was able to do consistently for 3.5 months (and only stopped because I’ve found something better!). The bad news is, Robin Williams committed suicide… I still don’t think I’m ready to write about how that has affected me. The month ended soon after our pet rat, Trouble, was having so much difficulty breathing the only humane thing we could do was put him to sleep.

In September I went to my first (and so far only) depression / bipolar support group meeting, but was more frazzled by it than anything else. It’s good to know that it’s there for if and when I decide I’m ready to try it again. I also (finally) read The Drama of the Gifted Child, which helped me face the reality of my own childhood and commit even more strongly to nurturing and expressing my true self – emotions, needs, wants, etc. I started taking Lamictal/lamotrigine on the 29th. On the 30th something extraordinary happened: the persona who had been controlling my interactions with the rest of the world – often if not practically always at the expense of my true self – resigned, allowing zir adaptive aspects to be integrated without the not-so-desirable consequences. That left, well, me – the true self – in charge.

In October I recognized that the (now deceased/integrated) persona I’ve taken to calling the Censor, and my “mental illness” in general, are a collection of once-adaptive behaviors I developed to ensure my own survival. That’s a far cry from them being separate from or imposed upon me, and much much closer to that original resolution I made back in January. It helps me to be much kinder to myself and more engaged in the process of healing, becoming whomever I want and/or need to become. Speaking of need, I decided that the next step in the process is to get out and interact with people in groups and develop my social skills, but so far I haven’t been able to face my fears. Finally, October marked the first time in way too long that I was able to go for multiple days – even multiple weeks – without having any suicidal thoughts.

By early November my emotional norm was to be considerably less depressed, in the “mild depression” and even “normal but unhappy” ranges according to Burns. It was quite a nice place to be, I’d like to get back there. On the first anniversary of our legal marriage, Fox and I reaffirmed our commitment to each other in front of our combined family and friends. Then we threw the best party ever! I had an absolute blast and will enjoy reminiscing about the experience, well, hopefully for several decades. I needed some time to process and integrate the not-so-good aspects of the experience, but I think I’ve accepted them… adequately. It was a very complex, intensely emotional experience, and I’m so glad I got to have it and share it with the people closest to me.

I’ve been in a difficult low since the wedding. At first it was exhaustion from the event, and over time I became more and more frustrated with not being able to do the things I’d hoped I could, riding the energy from all the planning and joy of the event itself. I lost my motivation. Now, with the holidays looming, I feel like I’m hanging onto a raft in the middle of a raging sea; I need to find solid ground before I can try to build anything. At least the work Mom was having done on the roof is finished, so I’m able to get a decent night’s sleep and wake (more or less) on my own terms. I enjoy spending time with people I care about and try to get a healthy dose of social interaction every day. It seems the healthiest thing I can do right now is just accept that I need to focus on my emotional needs and “take care of myself,” as Wakana put it.

In short, I’ve grown a whole lot over the past year, and my first year of blogging definitely helped set me up to be able to do it. This blog has benefited me immensely. I hope it has helped others as well.

Here’s to the beginning of year #3…

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