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Breaking Down

I’m not doing so well. I don’t think anyone knows. I’ve only gotten a couple good nights’ sleep in the past week and a half. Mom’s having some much-needed work done on the roof, so most mornings I’ve woken up to loud banging and yelling – at random intervals so I can’t tune it out. Fox gets home from work very late, and I generally want to spend some time with him before bed. We’ve been seeing 3:00 a.m. or 4:00 a.m. regularly, sometimes going to bed closer to 5:00 a.m.! Then banging and yelling only a few hours later.

The worst part is the tone and content of the yelling as of late. I could deal with “pass me this” or “put that there” or even the occasional cursing. But a handful of days ago, a very angry voice joined the original,  obnoxious one. The things he yells border on verbal abuse. It reminds me of my father on our bad days. It’s like someone is amplifying the abusive voices in my head, which I thought I’d silenced. They’re growing bolder, trying to see how much they can get away with. How much will I let them torture me before I suppress them again?

It’s bad. All I want to do is sleep but I can’t. I spend most of my time playing The Sims 3. I’m very happy with how my game is going; I’ve played well past the point where I would usually stop playing a particular family and start a new one. But it comes at a cost: no matter how happy I am with my progress in the game, I’ll never really be satisfied with it. There’s always a new goal. And the time I spend on it is not only wasted, it seems to undermine my ability to be creative and motivated and active when I’m not playing. I find it difficult to think or talk about anything else. But I don’t want to stop!

I feel like I’m two distinct people each day. Pre-Sims Ziya is dedicated enough to learning to essentially re-do the first week of zir Coursera course, because ze misunderstood several important concepts the first time through. Ze downloaded music instrument apps and has enjoyed creating melodies and chord progressions with them and feels so alive while doing so! It’s a first step toward playing the actual instruments again. Ze is doing things like registering for spring semester classes and trying to access medical (dental) care despite the difficulty. Ze wants to be more active and uses the pedometer app on zir phone to track and encourage more movement.

Post-Sims Ziya is tired, apathetic, frustrated, and so hungry ze doesn’t feel hungry anymore. The only thing ze can think about is zir Sims and that is rather depressing – but possibly safer than anything relating to the real world, where ze is dissatisfied with zir life. Ze feels anxious and guilty about what used to be zir aspirations and now feel like obligations, a debt to be repaid (both figuratively and literally). Ze doubts whether ze can do it – and, more importantly, whether ze wants to do it. Does what I want even matter?

I feel like other people – mostly Wakana – are pushing me to get out of the house, be social, find a job, be productive, contribute to society. I look at society and think, “I don’t want to contribute to this! I want to burn it.” Everything going on in the real world is so fucked up. I used to want to have a life but lately it just doesn’t seem worth the effort. When I’ve tried to join new groups people have just talked all around me. I don’t want a retail job and it just seems like a bad idea to take any job right now, with the winter holidays looming. My schedule the last week of December is too busy to fit a job. It’s bad enough not knowing Fox’s availability. You know, assuming I could manage to impress someone enough for them to offer me a job, with the issues I’ve been having. I feel like crap.

I feel worthless, useless, a waste of time. I wanted to be with Fox on his day off (a rare one when we don’t have any plans) but he’s asleep, snoring loudly (so I can’t join him). I don’t really blame him: he’s been even more sleep deprived than I am and he’s working. Busy, on his feet, or traveling all day. But it hurts when he wants to take time for himself (usually going on the computer) in the only time I have to spend with him (or anyone) all day…

My thoughts are spiraling out of control. Images and urges to cut myself. Statements that are increasingly suicidal. I’m trying to argue against them, trying to hang on, but it’s getting harder. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. And winter is a very bad time of the year for me. It’s probably just going to get worse.

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3 thoughts on “Breaking Down

  1. I wanted to say this but I’m not sure where to fit it in the post: I’ve been struggling to take my medication consistently. I have an alarm set to go off at the same time every day; when I hear the alarm I take my meds. But the past couple days I dismissed the alarm and thought I took my meds, only to discover 6-8 hours later that I didn’t! I’m inclined to view this as a symptom of what’s been going on, but it’s likely also a contributing factor. Also, I suspect it’s time to increase my dose.

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  2. Pingback: Dismissed | a day with depression

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