I wanted today to be the start of something new and uplifting. I would start a Coursera course and actually stick with that for the full 4 to 5 weeks that it runs. But the courses that are available are insufferably boring! And, well, they’re on entrepreneurship. I’m not sure whether the idea I have is worth pursuing, or another grandiose project I’m going to abandon in a week or less. I guess, just by thinking that, I’ve already abandoned it…

I would start exercising every day. I would start tracking with a new wellness tracking app that I found. Well I did track but it wasn’t as satisfying as the Burns Depression Checklist. I wanted to share the checklist on the site by the way – so anyone who’s interested can use it to benefit their own mental health – but my request for permission to republish it was denied due to risk of piracy. It’s copyrighted material and all that jazz.

I wanted to write a blog post – well I guess I’m doing that. I would actually clean the apartment – well, I cleared some stuff from around and on my desk. It’s an improvement I can build upon, I guess.

I don’t know! something new, something interesting, being social for a change, making some kind of progress of my life… but I just don’t feel any of it.

The things I’ve tried, I’ve run into brick walls. I called the dentist and found out that the referral for the periodontist was denied, so I waited five weeks for a referral for nothing! My only option is to lose the tooth the dentist wanted to save because “I’m so young” and she didn’t want to “feel guilty.” Well it’s time for me to lay on the guilt! I’m in a worse situation now than if it had been pulled a month ago.

I shouldn’t have agreed to trying to see the periodontist, I should’ve just said that that tooth needs to be pulled and it could be out of my mouth already! I still have to wait for the referral to see an oral surgeon; I don’t even know how long it’s going to take! I hate not having any control over my own health. This is ridiculous!

It was a nice day today but I didn’t get outside while it was still daylight because I was looking at Facebook. and then it got dark and cold and I just… I know that I should try to listen to upbeat music and exercise is something that might help me, but I just don’t feel it! I feel like my limbs are made of lead, like I don’t have the energy to move my body, like maybe I should just go to sleep. Maybe if I go to bed now, tomorrow will be better. But I can’t even go to bed because Fox is coming home soon! He’ll wake me and I kind of want to hang out with him, kind of don’t. I’m not sure whether it’s that “I need some space” or “oh no I’m isolating, raise the red flags!” Maybe it’s a little bit of both.

Actually, I think I know what it is. He’s kind of running my life. I support him in getting to and from work each day. My schedule revolves around him. When he left for work he “encouraged” me to clean the house – like it’s something I’m doing for him. I ran an errand for him yesterday. He let his government-issued ID expire, so now Mom keeps lecturing me about how important it is for him to get a new one. He’d rather have off from work on a day when we can hang out with friends than during normal business hours so he can take care of this. She asks me about it and then gives me a hard time when I repeat what he said.

It really shouldn’t be my problem but somehow it is. I’m going to tell Mom this is my thing to talk to him about, and if she wants to talk to him about it she’s welcome to, but she’s not allowed to talk to me about it anymore because I’m not the one who has to do something, he is. It’s past time for her to get her nose out of my marriage!

I was going to say that I feel like I need to slow down, figure out where I am, and decide what I want to do. Like stopping at a rest stop, relieving myself, refueling, and looking at a map. I can do those things, but more importantly I need to fire my navigator.

And, well, I think it’s time to tell the hitchhiker he needs to drive his own car. I can’t focus on the stuff I need to do – for both of us! – if I make it my job to help him be an adult. I certainly can’t do it because my mom is all but forcing me to. I can barely take care of myself, never mind taking care of both of them!

I know what new thing I’m going to start this month: practicing mindfulness. Even just a few minutes a day should help me center myself and focus on what’s important to me, Ziya. I can even do it right now!

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