Home » Dark Horse » Good to See You… but I Wish You Weren’t Here

Good to See You… but I Wish You Weren’t Here

I just got back from my fourth visit to the APN. I told her the Lamictal seemed to be helping; I’ve been less depressed, my lows haven’t been as low, and my mood is more stable – even with the stress of adjusting to Fox’s new job and wedding planning crunch time and health issues, etc. She decided to increase my dose to 50mg daily and encouraged me to find things to do that would give my day structure and social opportunities.

Someone else was coming in for an appointment as I was making future appointments to see the APN once a month; after a short time I noticed that person was waving to me. It took a few moments for me to recognize her: a former classmate! She started asking how I was and when I was done making my appointments she came over to give me a hug. I was glad to see her but concerned: she seemed stressed and anxious and was clearly going through a rough time – otherwise why would she be at a community mental health center? I wanted to ask questions to show interest in her well-being, but I didn’t want to ask anything that might make her feel uncomfortable. And then she had to go in for her appointment.

On the one hand it was kind of encouraging to know I’m not the only one from my school / program needing to take some time for self-care. It’s kind of normalizing? And I’m glad she’s able to access at least some of the help she needs. I like my APN and I’m pretty sure that’s who she was there to see; I feel fairly confident that she’s in good hands.

On the other hand, I’m kind of shaken. I wasn’t expecting to be in a peer social situation with someone from school. We’d had some opportunities to bond as classmates but I see her more as a “friendly professional acquaintance” than a friend. I’m used to doing everything in my power to hide my mental health issues from friendly professional acquaintances; now one has seen me at a community mental health clinic! I don’t think she’d tell anyone – just like I’m disinclined to tell anyone who might know her – but it’s still awkward!

And my first response is to try and figure out what I can do to help her. What would be appropriate to say to help her feel more comfortable? How can I reach out to her to try and offer some support? I need to be careful how I proceed so I don’t risk outing her. Maybe I shouldn’t even be writing about this!

I guess it’s good that I’m so compassionate. But I need to think about how I feel and what I need. I kind of needed to be in and out of my appointment without unexpected socialization. I also need to socialize with peers other than Fox and the all-too-occasional rendezvous with other friends. I kinda want to reach out to her – “Maybe we can meet at a cafe or diner that’s convenient for both of us? Are you free during the week?” And I kinda want to hide in my shell, try to pretend this didn’t happen.

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