…and the storm’s energy too.

So it’s less then twelve hours before the legal wedding day for Ziya and me, and I find myself unable to sleep. My brain has figured out my once in a three month post that is begging to be let out, and won’t shut up until I let it do just that.

I find myself worried about later today. Not the pre-wedding jitters you might expect though: ie, is this the right decision; oh no it’s my last night of “freedom” sort of stuff. I mean, sure, we didn’t have the time to fit in bachelor and bachelorette parties. But that isn’t weighing on me; honestly, anything we might have had (and might still have before the big family gathering) would be positively tame and boring by societal standards. None of the strip club stupidity or getting drunk or anything really dumb like that; that’s just not our style, and it never will be.

No, that’s not what’s keeping me up. It’s the uncertainty of certain factors. For example, we don’t know exactly what space we’ll have to work with, and how it’ll be set up. So we’ll need to make those decisions on the fly only about an hour before the ceremony starts. We don’t know how or where we’ll be standing, if our guests will be standing around us in a semi-circle or sitting around the table. We don’t know what the optimal camera setup will be to record the whole thing for our friends and family who we couldn’t invite.

I’m also finding myself nervous about when to put on my formal wear: before we leave for the site, or when we get there. And I’m even nervous about the silly little things like whether or not to wear a tee-shirt underneath my dress shirt, or what of my normal, everyday jewelry will go well with said shirt. I’m worried about us getting out of the house on time, and whether or not my best man will be able to make it at the time we need him to be there by.

And that’s only what I’m worried about that is directly related to the wedding itself. I’m very worried about something that I haven’t had the chance to talk to Ziya about; something that needs to be resolved within the next few days. And I can’t resolve that on my own: in order to actually do something about it, I need to call in help from Ziya or my parents (most likely my parents). And that’s help that I’m still not entirely comfortable calling for – even though I know its a necessity. I wouldn’t be in this boat if I had been a little smarter about something several months back, or if my own depression hadn’t gotten (and is still getting) in the way of a critical step that would have greatly helped resolve it.

But I did what I did, and now I need to deal with the consequences of it. And worrying about it does me no good. Just like those little worries about our big day – they do nothing useful. Whether or not I travel in my formal wear doesn’t actually make much of a difference in the scheme of things. Nor does the jewelry choice; it’s not like one necklace really takes that long to put on, and changing to another one won’t kill our chances of getting out on time. And no matter how the setup changes, tomorrow will happen exactly how it needs to; it will be wonderful no matter what might come up. Because Ziya and I have faced bigger things before, and come through on the other side stronger than we were when we entered. This will be no different.

The Calm Before the Storm – Um, Wedding

Well, I guess this is it. We’ve got everything together for our legal marriage ceremony (including the license). We contacted the people we needed to; I had a rather awesome conversation with my aunt. It was the kind of conversation I’d hoped to have with my mom on the eve of my wedding, but she said she “hasn’t been thinking about it” almost like it’s a bad thing. I give up, I’m not going to go out of my way to try and have anything special with my mom. Maybe someday she’ll wake up and realize that she’s missing out on me.

My aunt was hurt that she couldn’t come to the legal ceremony, but made every effort to express her love and well-wishes for us to have a long, happy, and successful life together. It was so uplifting! I apologized and explained and thanked her a million times and I’m pretty sure the hurt was healed. We talked about some interests we have in common, and she taught me some things I didn’t know about cooking. It felt so good to connect with her, to hear her say “I love you” and say it back and really mean it. I’m thinking this is something I’d like to do more often.

Another aunt sent flowers, and we received two cards with generous gifts addressed to “Mr. & Mrs. Fox Tamesis.” I needed to stomp around roaring for a while before I could encourage Fox and his female alter ego to open the cards. Fox’s mom explained that it’s the old-school etiquette way to address something to a married couple, and if we keep sending them things from “Fox and Ziya Tamesis” they’ll eventually get the hint. I really hope so because I’ve been fighting against the popular notion that taking your husband’s last name is somehow giving up your identity; addressing things to both of us using just his first name is taking things a bit far! We’re still two people with two identities, we’ve just joined to form a family.

I’m going to write this, just for shits and giggles: Mr. and Mrs. Ziya Tamesis.

Mmm, it has a ring to it.

Anyways, now everything is quiet and peaceful and all we have left to do is sleep. I have no idea where this new adventure will lead, but I finally know for sure that it’s what I want to do. That certainty feels amazing.

Fox and I have faced a lot of challenges in our relationship so far and we’ve only grown as a result of each of them. I look forward to whatever is yet to come, knowing he is by my side.