I guess you could say my big accomplishment for the day was finally calling not one but two psychiatrists … and leaving them messages because I semi-intentionally waited until after 10pm. The first, whom I’ll call Psychiatrist C-1, has an office within walking distance of Wakana’s and is reportedly available on the same days I have music therapy. Two of Wakana’s colleagues referred Psychiatrist C-1 to her, so she in turn referred him to me; she even called me earlier today to make sure I’d at least attempted to contact him. (I’ll file that one under “Tough Love.”)
The second, whom I’ll call Psychiatrist C-2, is the one who received 9 5-star reviews on HealthGrades and whom I mentioned in my last post. I’m actually a bit more inclined toward her because I know for sure that she takes my (current) insurance, she got much better reviews on HealthGrades, and I won’t be doubly-screwed if I don’t feel up to making the trek to Wakana’s office on a joint music therapy and psychiatry day. But, I’ve taken the “passive aggressive” approach of leaving messages and waiting to see who returns my call, instead of directly “confronting” each of them with my request to meet face-to-face. So, now all that’s left is to wait … at least until my next music therapy appointment (in less than 12 hours), when I suspect Wakana will “strongly encourage” me to try again.
Wait. What does all this have to do with holistic treatments for depression and anxiety?
Well, I told Mom how I was feeling about calling a psychiatrist – something I’d probably feel less inclined to do if Wakana didn’t insist that it’s an absolute necessity. I’m angry that things haven’t been going well for me on that front, ashamed that I can’t just “snap out of it” and live a productive lifestyle, worried that I’m never going to find the right doctor and treatment … which leads to hopelessness, and feeling like I don’t deserve any better.
Mom said a bunch of things. She thinks the search for the psychiatrist is doing more harm than good and that the medications were doing more harm than good; I seem to be doing better without them. I’m inclined to agree with her – I’m still struggling AND I feel more like myself, more capable, more in control. Tuesday night / Wednesday morning I was able to act on my need and desire for intimacy with Fox for the first time in months – and thoroughly enjoy it! – whereas while I was on the sertraline HCl (and buspirone HCl) I felt … nothing. I also seem to be regaining my ability to tell when I’m not really hungry anymore and stop eating after I’ve had a reasonable portion / before becoming uncomfortably full. The only time I really feel, well, depressed is when I let myself get caught up in my own thoughts, to the exclusion of physical here-and-now interactive interpersonal reality. And when I first wake up. And when obstacles exceed my frustration tolerance, which seems to be lower than normal.
Mom also gave me a long list of things I need to be doing to take care of myself, most of which she’d categorize as a “holistic” approach to treating depression. I need to watch what I eat, exercise, get out of the house, clean up and organize all the stuff cluttering my apartment, meditate, do yoga, join social groups, play music, get a job – or at least volunteer – and so on. Any “explanations” I try to provide for why these things are difficult for me – why I’m not already doing them, why I’ve withdrawn from them – are “excuses.” She says I have to “force” myself or “push” myself.
I’m tired of forcing and pushing myself. I need to take a couple moments (months? years?) to love myself. To care for myself. I need a hug.
I understand that I need to take some responsibility for my own well-being. The depression isn’t going to cure itself while I’m playing Oblivion and complaining about my lack of energy, motivation, confidence … But, can someone – anyone! – try to meet me halfway? If I could just do all the stuff Mom says I need to do, then we couldn’t be having this conversation. Clearly I need some kind of help to be able to do those things; when she says I should be doing them the message I get is that I’m a bad person for not doing them. A disgrace. A failure. An embarrassment.
I want to do these things for myself, I really do. I just need some kind of emotional support. Someone to not only tell me to do them, but to do them with me. Is that really so much to ask?
I looked up holistic treatments online and found a lot of the same things across websites:
- healthy/balanced diet, including specific nutrients
- Omega-3 fatty acids
- folic acid
- reducing caffeine and sugar intake
- exercise (at least 20 minutes 3 times per week)
- SOCIAL SUPPORT
- routines, goals, taking on or maintaining responsibilities
The websites in question are MedicineNet, WebMD, and Taking Charge. That last website, Taking Charge, includes a list of medications used to treat depression – some of which (dual-action) were new to me. This might be something to talk to my psychiatrist about, assuming I ever find one.
Of course, the very first website that caught my eye is a giant multi-page advertisement for a supplement called Protazen. It includes a variety of nutrients – including some of those listed above – some of which the brain uses to create essential neurotransmitters such as dopamine, norepinephrine, epinephrine, and serotonin (according to the website). The idea of using natural supplements to support healthy brain chemistry is very appealing, especially if it’s possible to do so “without harmful side effects!”
To be honest the whole thing sounds too good to be true … except that they do clearly state that the supplement is not intended to treat clinical psychiatric disorders, and that results may vary. It’s intended to help people experiencing difficult emotional states, not serious medical issues. Consult your doctor first if you are taking antidepressants or other medications.
In other words, I do not recommend or endorse this product. I repeat, I do NOT endorse this product.
In fact, I’d really appreciate it if you’d take a look at the website and comment on this post to let me know whether you think the supplement is worth trying, whether there are likely to be health benefits. Is trying it worth the potential risks (financial, medical, mental, emotional, etc.)? What experiences have you had taking supplements?
But what if it can help, even if just a little bit? More energy, more motivation, an easier time concentrating, less fluctuations in mood, etc. I could buy it right now – 1 non-recurring 30-day supply for $40 – no phone calls, appointments, uncomfortable questions, stuck-up psychiatrists, battles with insurance companies, etc. required. It will be delivered straight to my door, likely within a week. If I don’t like it I can return whatever I don’t use within 30 days for a 50% refund. No psychiatrist or pharmaceutical has ever offered me that!