Ziya has written a lot about hir reactions and experiences with the depression, and its effects on hir life. But, I think that there is something valuable to learn from the supporters in the life of a person struggling with depression.
I’ll admit: I’ve had a few significant, yet minor (comparatively) depressive episodes in my lifetime. So I can’t strictly speak from the outsider’s perspective. But my day to day emotions (range, strength, etc) are usually stable enough that I can’t (and, more importantly won’t) claim to fully understand what Ziya goes through. I see much more how the depression effects hir behavior, mood, and ability to function. After all, I’ve been with Ziya for close to three years now.
A short “glossary” before I continue: drs = depression supporter. Anyway, onto the rest of the post.
As a drs, I get to see Ziya at hir best (ie, the moments when ze’s functioning “normally”, able to experience genuine happiness, complete common chores and generally have fun)… you know, how those of us who don’t have to deal with serious depression issues are usually able to. But then, usually unexpectedly, it’s as if someone has flipped a switch in hir brain and… boom. The lows become very low: things that leave me sad for a little bit of time have the potential to knock hir out for hours on end. Hir energy levels drop dramatically, and the very chores that were relatively easy to complete earlier become Herculean tasks.
For example, just a few days ago we were getting ready to go to a church I’ve been attending recently. It wasn’t a particularly nice day to begin with (rainy and gross; the fact that my glasses had broken the day before didn’t help much either). And, a few minor blips aside (namely our normal, early morning slow warm up), it looked to be going pretty smoothly. Until it happened.
I was almost ready to go, and basically waiting on zir; when hir anxiety flared up. I’m certain that said anxiety is tied into the depression: the two tend to go hand in hand with each other. In a matter of moments, ze went from being nearly ready to go to needing to back out; and feeling really bad about doing so.
Several thoughts/things ran through my head at that moment. The first was concern: would ze be okay if I went on my own (like I had the previous two weeks)? Or would the intense guilt lead to thoughts of hurting hirself? The second was hurt: not that ze had backed out last minute (although that was disappointing), but instead that ze was hurting. The third, to be honest, was a little bit of annoyance: this has happened before, and often when we’re heading off to something important to me. But to be honest, the third feeling was very small compared to the other two; and I do believe that those frozen moments have become significantly less frequent than they used to be.
There’s another change I’ve seen sometimes too. Rather than flipping to depressed and anxious, I’ve seen Ziya flip to something akin to manic. This is the Ziya that comes out when six+ hour long Sims sessions occur (particularly late at night) or when a sudden creative project (like a new Let’s Play) seemingly comes out nowhere. Ziya tends to get hyper focused during these moments, and I’ve found ze seems to ignore things like sleep. These “episodes” (I suppose one could call them that) seem to be less frequent than the depressive ones; although I’m certain the lack of sleep that comes from them does nothing good for the depression as a whole.
But then there are moments like now. We’re sitting on the couch together, each at our own computer; each composing an entry for this blog. And Ziya is bright, cheerful and happy: ze smiles when we make eye contact or the little touches that we both find reassuring. There’s a natural seeming energy behind zir: an excitement over the new information ze found that reminds me of one of the reasons I fell in love with zir. Despite the late (early?) hour (which isn’t so unusual for us these days) that this is happening during, today felt like a good day: we were able to run a number of important errands (including finally getting a tv for the apartment… yay!), and we were both really productive.
If only more days could be like today, with more happiness than the sorrow; where we’re both on the ball concerning what we want to accomplish… My hope is that as Ziya continues to work through the depression we’ll have more days like today, and less like how Sunday started. And as long as ze is willing to work through it, ze’ll have me by hir side to support zir however I can.
I appreciate hearing your perspective, Fox. As someone who also struggles with clinical episodes of depression and anxiety, it is interesting to learn what it can be like as a supporter.
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