Awesome

Awesome things have been happening the past few days!

I was pleasantly surprised to receive an unexpected package on Wednesday. It turned out to be 4 pounds of modeling clay from Banji!

Mom encouraged me to take a holistic approach to treating my depression, including aromatherapy, a better-balanced diet, and seeing a chiropractor. To be honest I’m inclined to take some of her advice with a grain of salt, but it means a lot to me that she’s been looking into things that might help. I figure it can’t hurt to look into holistic approaches and adopt the ones that help me feel better; things like diet are basic to everyday self-care. (And, frankly, I’ve come to see psychiatry as a bit of a Hojo science: “Try taking this random substance that will affect your brain and we’ll see what happens …” If we’re going to be doing that, I might as well get to relax while inhaling a smell I like, thanks.)

More importantly, she’s willing to be involved in my exploration/implementation of these things: cooking for me, covering costs, even going to the chiropractor with me. I just hope this is a step toward her helping me with the things I think/know I need – and not an attempt to distract me from effective treatments that she’s uncomfortable with (because they might change our relationship?).   I’m inclined to be a bit wary, but for now at least I’m focusing on the positive/potential for good: she wants to help me.

Fox has been positively wonderful. Among other things, he lets me read my blog posts to him – even if he’s tired or trying to focus on something else (or both).

He and his Dad both agreed to (collaboratively) make important mental health care decisions for me, in the event that I am unable to do so myself. This means a lot to me because while Fox knows me incredibly well, Dad is in a profession where he gets to see both sides of the coin; he knows what’s available, red flags to watch out for, how to translate from Human to Doctor and back again, etc.

I pushed myself to meet with Wakana today, despite desperately wanting to go back to sleep. It was very good that I did so. We spent most of the session talking about things related to asserting myself, primarily in the realm of receiving the mental health care I need. Then, seemingly out of the blue, I started playing one of the instruments that had been calling to me the whole time; as I played I started to hum; as I hummed, I started to sing:

This is what I need
Listen to me
Fuck your red tape
Listen to me

Forget your procedure
Listen to me
I’ll tell you what I need
Listen to me

Can you do what I need?
Listen to me
Answer truthfully!
Listen to me

If the answer is “No,”
Then I’ll say, “Goodbye,
Have a nice day.”
Listen to me!

At the end of the session I was even able to express, in the moment, how I felt about leaving (sad, and a little anxious). We were able to talk a bit about our (therapeutic) relationship, though a bit awkwardly (from my perspective). I expressed my anger about only having an hour with Wakana – while acknowledging that we need such boundaries and listening to her explain that she needs to make a living and this is how she’s chosen to do it; that doesn’t make our relationship any less genuine. It wasn’t the most comfortable or satisfying thing in the world, but it was a huge milestone in my emotional development.

Best of all, the melody filled me with a strong sense of Self that I’ve been desperately missing. It filled my whole body and spread beyond me to the people, buildings, trees, grass, sky, etc. all around me. The whole world, maybe even the whole universe, reverberated with it. I don’t need labels/categories, hobbies, a profession, relationships, even a name to define me. I just am. And I’m already whole. No matter how chaotic things may be, around me and inside me, I am. (We are.) It can be embodied in that melody. Or whatever melody best fits in the moment. It can be silent, or played by orchestras around the world, or anywhere in between.

Peace.

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