This is it. Mom’s surgery is tomorrow; I have to get her to the hospital precisely 12 hours from the time I’m writing this! She needs me to do about a million things! Take care of the dog. Bring her clothes and food. Do her laundry and grocery shopping. Check on things. Possibly pay bills. Put out her garbage (I have a hard enough time remembering to put mine out!). Drive her places until she’s able to drive herself. Call everyone to let them know how the surgery went. I’m probably forgetting something.
I have to juggle all this with my own shit. Schoolwork; I have a paper due Thursday and I really don’t think I’m going to be able to work on it much before then. I tried the past couple days but the reading was too much for me. And for some reason my mother having DOUBLE KNEE REPLACEMENT SURGERY didn’t register as a scheduling conflict that I should report to my instructor in advance. *facepalm*
I can’t really tell if it’s meds or lack of sleep or strong emotions or dehydration or someone has a voodoo doll but my muscles keep tensing up. Sometimes they hold me in one position for a long time (during which I usually feel overwhelmed by or swept away in random, disjointed thoughts, but sometimes I’m hyper aware of the outside world with not much going on inside). Sometimes they cause my limbs to jerk. Sometimes I think I initiate a spasm to get myself out of being stuck. That was me “this morning” – aka 2:00pm when I finally became awake enough to contemplate getting out of bed. Talking to Fox on the phone helped, but soon after we hung up I was stuck again (for a short time).
And then … I had to cut my conversation with Mom short because I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I needed to get away, I needed to ground myself. I knew then that I wasn’t going to get any work done on the paper tonight. Damnit!!! Mental images: a knife slashing my left arm. Possibly my neck.
I’m surprised my hair is still capable of looking normal after all the times I’ve run my fingers through it in frustration and anxiety. I can’t scream and I can’t cry. The light is too bright and the sound of my computer fan is driving me crazy! No amount of water can ever quench my thirst.
I want to let go but I’m too afraid to. To relax. To cry. To play music. Something. I’m suspended in space and time, forever exploding, fragmented, in pain, a silent scream. I can’t live and I can’t die. And I can’t sleep.